Slipperduke's Slippery Column

[Uncle Leo]

Mind-numbingly awful wasn't it? I would have switched over after about five minutes, but the in-laws were round and my father-in-law is a Chelsea fan so we stuck with it. At least there was some red wine to alleviate the boredom.

One small thing though mate - what's former champion jockey Peter Scudamore got to do with anything? ;) :minger:

 

[Slipperduke]

One small thing though mate - what's former champion jockey Peter Scudamore got to do with anything? ;) :minger:

*Panics*

*Makes expensive call to Singapore*

*Listens for the sound of presses, grinding to a halt*

 

[EastStandBlue]

I read an interesting point of view the other day regarding the whole "foreign export business"...

How highly insulting it is to the home leagues of these nations that the Premiership games will be exported to that Scudamore feels the need to prostitute himself to. In areas such as the middle east, where local clubs find it incredibly hard to lure supporters away from their armchairs watching United on the TV, how are these local clubs supposed to compete if Man United were to play what would essentially be a circus fixture in their home town?

They wouldn't....

 

[Slipperduke]

Managing Newcastle Isn't A Game

There is a computer game in existence that, I’m afraid to admit, has cost me around 15 years of my life. It’s called Football Manager and I’ve owned every incarnation of it since 1993. It’s a wonderful way to waste time, it really is. You pick your club, assemble your players, choose a formation and then watch as the computer simulates the outcome. Unfortunately, it relies upon the simple premise of treating individuals as mere collections of numbers, simple statistics to be shunted around. In Football Manager, you can just throw some players together and watch them follow your instructions. If it’s not working out, you just buy some better players. Sadly, in real life, football is a bit more complicated.

I don’t whether Newcastle owner Mike Ashley ever played the game, but the way that he’s gone about his short period at St James Park suggests that he might have done. He certainly has the same blasé approach to dealing with his personnel. Sam Allardyce not exciting enough for you? Just click ‘terminate contract’. Who cares that the season’s only halfway to completion? Surely it’s just a case of throwing a fan’s favourite into the equation? He’ll get them motivated! Just click ‘hire Keegan’. It’s all a case of identifying the right components and flinging them together. That’s the key to success in Football Manager.

What Ashley has failed to realise is that the off-the-pitch upheaval that comes with sweeping change may not upset computer-generated footballers, but it absolutely annihilates the confidence of human beings. Some of these players are highly-strung, egocentric individuals. Some of them are level-headed, balanced athletes. They need a leader who understands the difference and has time to learn how to manage them. They need stability and a chance to settle into a routine that will allow them to perform. They don’t need to have three different bosses in under a year and they certainly don’t need to see their new leader immediately undermined by the appointment of a rival.

The most disturbing sight during Newcastle’s heavy defeat at Villa Park was not Cacapa’s inability to deal with crosses, it was the pictures of Dennis Wise in the Director’s Box, peering down at the melee on the pitch. Wise led Millwall to the FA Cup Final and his departure from The New Den was the spark the precipitated the collapse of the team. He wasn’t able to keep Leeds United in the second flight, but he’d made a good fist of getting them back. In short, he’s a prospect. An upwardly mobile football man. As if it wasn’t enough to have just Alan Shearer prowling in the shadows, Ashley has inadvertently got Wise doing the same thing.

Avram Grant, David Pleat, Velimir Zajec and even Harry Redknapp have all been appointed as Directors of Football in the past and they’ve all ended up in the dug-out a little while later. Appointing another football manager as the link between the chairman and the playing staff is lunacy. Chairman don’t always understand the intricacies of the game, so whenever their team loses, instead of asking the manager what happened, they ask the Director of Football and get a detailed explanation of what went wrong. After a while, particularly in poor runs of form, the contrast between the frustrated manager and this approachable, canny linkman becomes too stark and the inevitable happens.

Fans know this, managers know this and most of all, footballers know this. In fact, the only people who aren’t aware are the chairmen who continue to execute such a gormless strategy.

“But the top Spanish clubs do it,” argue the moneymen.

Well, yes. Yes, they do. But the top Spanish clubs also get through three or four managers a season and have a tendency to sack them even when they’ve just won the title.

Newcastle are dangerously close to being sucked into the relegation battle. They need four wins in twelve games, which doesn’t sound that simple anymore. Kevin Keegan is doing his best, frantically trying to lift a group of players who don’t know if it’s even worth trying to get on the right side of him. Keegan needs help and support, but all he’s got is uncertainty. I was under the impression that Wise’s remit was to find promising young players from the lower leagues and abroad. If that’s the case, what was he doing at Villa Park? If we’re confused, just imagine how Keegan feels about it all.

If Ashley is going to turn Newcastle around, he’s got to realise that football isn’t just a game. It’s real life.

 

[Napster]

I happen to think that Wise isnt a decent manager, but Poyets a good number 2. soon as Poyet left Leeds, Leeds were rubbish, and Spurs start doing well.

 

[Napster]

Oh and Redknapp was wary of Avram Grant being Director of Football at Portsmouth, now he only has nice things to say about him.

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

*Panics*

*Makes expensive call to Singapore*

*Listens for the sound of presses, grinding to a halt*

:hilarious: :hilarious:

"And it's Scudamore now, in the lead as they clear The Chair, while speaking on his mobile to the EPL Chairmen..."

 

[Slipperduke]

Oh and Redknapp was wary of Avram Grant being Director of Football at Portsmouth, now he only has nice things to say about him.

I'm not surprised, it wasn't his job that Grant nicked!

 

[Slipperduke]

:hilarious: :hilarious:

"And it's Scudamore now, in the lead as they clear The Chair, while speaking on his mobile to the EPL Chairmen..."

*looks sheepish*

I knew something was wrong with that article! Thankfully James got me out of a hole. The changes were made 10 minutes before it went to print!

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

*looks sheepish*

I knew something was wrong with that article! Thankfully James got me out of a hole. The changes were made 10 minutes before it went to print!

Hmm, that's a couple of pints you owe Jacozinho, at the very least!

:finger:

 

[Slipperduke]

Hmm, that's a couple of pints you owe Jacozinho, at the very least!

:finger:

Quite right. Imagine the shame of being sued by a livid, yet uncomprehending Peter Scudamore

 

[Slipperduke]

Liverpool Not Out Yet

Liverpool fans must be feeling numb by now. There's only so much bad news you can take before you end up rocking backwards and forwards in the corner of the room, dribbling on your shoes and the weekend defeat to Barnsley was the final straw for most long-suffering Reds. Never has there been such a dramatic gulf between pre-season expectations and mid-season realisations.

When this campaign began, Liverpool fans were under the impression that a title challenge was on the menu and most pundits agreed with them. After all, they'd just been runners-up in Europe, they had one of the hottest strikers in the world and Rafa Benitez was settled into the hotseat with a carefully assembled squad of players. Off the pitch they had new, generous owners with the club's best interests at heart and there was a stadium in the pipeline that would rival the opulence of The Emirates.

Now, as the business end of the season approaches, Liverpool fans find themselves cut adrift from the title race, locked in a vicious dog-fight just to finish fourth, eliminated from both domestic cups and facing one of the best teams in Europe for a place in the last eight of the Champions League. Defeat to Inter Milan will almost certainly mean the end of Benitez's reign, leaving Liverpool firmly in the grip of the Gruesome Twosome, shackled with more debts than a Third World nation and facing a future that would have to improve markedly if you wanted to call it, 'uncertain'.

This forthcoming clash with Inter Milan then, is make-or-break for Benitez. Victory is the only outcome that can be considered, but sadly that's easier said than done. Roberto Mancini's side are running away with domestic affairs, so much so that they were able to rest Zlatan Ibrahimovic at the weekend. What can he do at Anfield, if Barnsley's Brian Howard has already lit the way? If even Luke Steele can keep the score down, then surely Liverpool will have no chance against Julio Cesar?

I wouldn't be so sure, actually. First things first, Liverpool should have beaten Barnsley by five or six goals. They didn't and they've been punished for it, but no-one should read too deeply into it. It's the FA Cup, it was a weakened team and these things do tend to happen. They were far worse against Luton Town at Kenilworth Road in the Third Round and if they had repeated that performance, but beaten Barnslet 1-0, I'd be more concerned.

Secondly, their strongest line-up didn't do too badly at all at Stamford Bridge. I realise that I might be the only person who managed to stay awake throughout that game, and I have to thank the girls who make the coffee at Chelsea for that, but Liverpool could, and perhaps should, have won that day. Martin Skrtel was immense and if Peter Crouch had taken his chances, it would have been very different. I know it sounds crazy after this weekend, but I still maintain that there is a decent team somewhere in all that mediocrity.

But finally, and most importantly, Liverpool always seem to save their best for Europe. It's a ridiculous situation, I've written many times about the folly of dismissing the home front in pursuit of foreign policy, but it does seem to work for Benitez. A disastrous first season was rescued by a European Cup win, built on narrow Anfield victories and boring Italian teams into submission. Last year's underwhelming haul of just 68 points was masked by yet another trip to the Final.

Benitez may not have managed to create a heart-poundingly, vivacious team of footballing cavaliers who can set the imagination alight, but by God, he can bore the pants off any team that can. When the big names return, when the crowd are in full voice and when backs are against the wall, you can always count on Liverpool to dig their heels in and force out a result that no-one thought possible. This football club is not down and out just yet and, who knows? Maybe a boring, gritty 1-0 win could be the touchpaper that finally ignites their season.

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

You do occasionally talk sense, don't you?!

:p

 

[A Century United]

Interesting comment on 5Live tonight, chap (Clem?) noting that before the Barnsley game while the 'pool players were warming up there was none of the banter he sees in other teams, and after the game a suprising lack of overt anger at the result. Went on to pin the blame on the usual suspect - the rotation system.

 

[Slipperduke]

Boring, boring Chelsea

Thanks to Chelsea, I’m in a lot of trouble right now. You see, when I cover an away game from the television, I usually take the opportunity to invite a few people over, let them raid my beer fridge and then sit nearest the television with a notepad while they chatter around me. It was only after everyone arrived that I thought it was time to confess that I was covering Avram Grant’s side.

“What? Why Chelsea? No-one’s interested in that game! Everyone wants to watch Liverpool!”

“Aha,” I said conspiratorially, “but that game’s going to be boring, isn’t it? Rafa Benitez in Europe? Trying to avoid defeat? That’ll be awful. Stick with me, this game will be much better.”

After 90 minutes of the most boring football outside of Bolton, I don’t think that anyone is ever going to come to my house again. This was a truly torrid affair, bereft of goals, drained of excitement, empty of emotion. Instead of a house filled with football chants, gratuitous swearing and raucous cheering, I scribbled away to the backdrop of yawns and sighs. The conversation skittered around between the referee and whether or not he had a comb-over, the end of Fidel Castro and the terrifying emergence of giant sea-spiders off the coast of Australia. They’re the size of dinner-plates apparently.

Avram Grant deployed his team in lines that were deeper than Jean-Paul Satre‘s diary entries. A constricting 4-5-1 strangled the life out of the Greeks, who tried their best to make inroads into the sea of fluorescent yellow shirts, but in vain. No-one can sit back like Chelsea. The trouble is, it will probably work. They’ll take this goalless draw back to Stamford Bridge, do exactly the same and sneak through by virtue of a deflected Frank Lampard goal. It’s so frustrating, not least because I’ll probably be sat in the cold at Stamford Bridge for that one as well.

It is said that Roman Abramovich decided to buy an English football club after watching Manchester United’s epic 5-3 defeat against Real Madrid. The Russian gazillionaire was captivated by the free-flowing football, seduced by the excitement and he decided there and then to get his wallet out and go crazy. I wonder if he ever reflects on the disparity between his football vision and this cold, sobering reality?

If there is a positive to take from this impotent rubbish, then it is only that Chelsea have no new injuries to block them in their chase for the League Cup on Sunday night. Grant took the risky decision of leaving out John Terry and Frank Lampard, but Olympiakos couldn’t make him pay.

Much credit must go to the Greek fans who, after an hour of watching Chelsea play sideways passes to each other, began to whistle and jeer so loudly that it almost shamed the English side into attempting an attack. Almost, but not quite. Didier Drogba was so anonymous that he could have curled up for a nap under the corner flag for all the good he did. Ashley Cole was one of a only a few players who occasionally threatened, but then it’s about time he impressed while playing away, isn’t it?

Chelsea have done enough to give themselves a reasonably routine task when they return to Stamford Bridge, but have they struck fear into the hearts of their European rivals? Absolutely not. They were dull, unadventurous and boring. The big clubs will be more concerned about those sea-spiders.

 

[Napster]

It is said that Roman Abramovich decided to buy an English football club after watching Manchester United’s epic 5-3 defeat against Real Madrid. The Russian gazillionaire was captivated by the free-flowing football, seduced by the excitement and he decided there and then to get his wallet out and go crazy. I wonder if he ever reflects on the disparity between his football vision and this cold, sobering reality?

and nothing to do with money laundering not at all, your Honour. I think he wanted Arsenal first as well

 

[BrettieAngell]

Yep Chelsea are boring. Fact!

 

[sufcintheprem]

Boring they might be but effective they definitely are. 21 wins from 28 games and foruitously perhaps he has maintained that incredible home record.

As Jonny_Stokes mentioned on the poker thread, it's the player who loses the fewest chips who wins the tournament. In the Champions League, it's not the team who puts in the most dazzling performance who wins but the team who prevents the oppositon from beating them and that is something that Chelsea, frankly, are almost unparallelled at from what I've seen int he competition so far.

Odds-wise, they're closing in on Barca who I think might take a bit of an upset tonight.

EDIT, just noticed my stats are old but the record's continued at a similar rate since I think.

 

[Interpol Shrimper]

Odds-wise, they're closing in on Barca who I think might take a bit of an upset tonight.

Celtic's home record in Europe surely doesn't hint at an upset though if they were to beat Barca does it? However can't see them ultimately battling through, even if they equal/surpass their last trip to the Nou Camp!

 

[Matt the Shrimp]

Ashley Cole was one of a only a few players who occasionally threatened, but then it’s about time he impressed while playing away, isn’t it?

*wonders if the Singaporeans are a bit too wholesome to get the double-entendre...*

:finger: