Tim Vine

[pringlejon]

No, he's not a footballer. He's a comedian who at one point held the world record for the most jokes in an hour.

Went to see him in reading and highly recommend. Few videos on youtube and dvd is on play.com

And by the way he specialises in puns!

I'm expecting a bit of red for encouraging this type of behavior but the guy's a legend!


Here's a couple of classics:

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

 

[Vange Shrimper]

I went into a carpet shop and asked if they sold carpets in yards, and he said 'No, we sell them in here'.

That man is so funny. Wouldnt think he's Jeremy Vine's (Panorama and Radio 2) brother would you?

Also, he used to present that program on Five when it first came into transmission. What was it called again?!

 

[pringlejon]

no idea, did anyone actually watch the launch of five?!

 

[Vange Shrimper]

no idea, did anyone actually watch the launch of five?!

I watched it just to see what it was going to be like. You couldn't say at school that you used to watch 'Late Night Channel 5' cos everyone knew what you was on about! (Even though I did used to stay up some nights to watch the baseball on there - on about twice a week, the 'porn' used to take up the other 5 nights)

Oh and it was called Whittle.

 

[WestRoadShrimper]

Vange in porn watching admission from her younger days :D

 

[Vange Shrimper]

Vange in porn watching admission from her younger days :D

I was watching the Baseball, honest! lol

 

[WestRoadShrimper]

There's a line in there somewhere, but I won't go there as it will result in hijacking a quality thread.....

So, to compensate:

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said "I want to buy an ice-cream". He said "Hundreds & thousands?" I said "We'll start with one." He said "Knickerbocker glory?" I said "I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes."


And the best one.....

I went to Millets and said "I want to buy a tent." He said "To camp?", I said [butchly] "Sorry, I want to buy a tent." I said "I also want to buy a caravan." He said "Camper?" I said [campily] "Make your mind up."

 

[pringlejon]

I met the guy who invented crosswords the other day, it's really annoying tho cos i can't remember his name, i'm sure it was d, something, v, something, something.

 

[soul DJ]

This Guy is a legend, I have worked with him many times, always brings the house down

 

[Mad Cyril]

Velcro? - What a rip off.

A lorry load of terrapins crashed into a lorry load of tortoises. It was a turtle disaster.

 

[steveo]

There was an American comic form the 80s or 90s who sounded similar to this.

His name is Steven Wright and he sounds similar to this. He had stuff like:

Its a small world - but i wouldnt like to pant it

I bought a pack of batteries but they werent included

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

 

[Mad Cyril]

There was an American comic form the 80s or 90s who sounded similar to this.

His name is Steven Wright and he sounds similar to this. He had stuff like:

Its a small world - but i wouldnt like to pant it

I bought a pack of batteries but they werent included

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

The other night I played poker with Tarot cards.

I got a full house and four people died.

 

[undercovershrimper]

did u know that tim vine is the brother of bbc correspondent and radio 2 chat show host jeremy vine?

 

[steveo]

did u know that tim vine is the brother of bbc correspondent and radio 2 chat show host jeremy vine?

Yes I knew that. Vange Shrimper told us in the first reply on this thread

 

[Moridin]

The all time classic Vine gag has to be:

'I went into this shop, and I bought a Chess set. I ate it, and it was horrible, so I took it back, and said excuse me, that's stale mate. The shop keeper said are you sure, and I said yeah, check mate'.

Or the always popular:

'I walked in this shop and said excuse me, I'm looking for a sailor with one arm, the guy replied, it's not me, I'm a wholesaler '.

Charming.

 

[undercovershrimper]

Yes I knew that. Vange Shrimper told us in the first reply on this thread

so he did just wanted to make sure everyone was aware ;)

 

[WestRoadShrimper]

so he did just wanted to make sure everyone was aware ;)

:nope: Vange is a she.....

*runs away before Vange sees the quote*

 

[undercovershrimper]

:nope: Vange is a she.....

*runs away before Vange sees the quote*

he she still wears a shellsuit :clap:

 

[Napster]

Seen him live three times and he's fantastic.