Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I couldn't help but over hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at a bar.

One of the guys says to his buddy, "Man you look tired."

His buddy says, "Dude I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down had also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says,

"Marry her. That'll put a stop to that sh*t."

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour rubbing and scratching his balls. As she was enjoying it, he turned and asked her ''Why do you love doing that?'' ''Because'' she replied ''I really miss mine.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the tipsy campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, ''Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor drunken wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.''

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

''What has happened your excellency? Who is this man ?'' the first monk asked breathlessly.

''I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, ''but....'



''He's a dead ringer for his brother.''

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

A man received the following text message from his next-door neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact a lot more than you have.
I have not been getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.
The man, anguished and feeling totally betrayed, took his shotgun from the cupboard, went into the bedroom and without saying a word, shot his wife dead.
A few moments later a second text message arrived:
Bloody auto correct text. . . . . I meant "wifi", not. . . . ."wife".

 

[Bluesmanager]

Ahh, the awkward "I want to laugh but I probably shouldn't" joke...

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY AN IRISHMAN
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each
and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

 

[Benfleet A1]

A Russian tourist arrives on a flight in France and makes his way to immigration and passport control. He hands over his passport and the border control officer says 'Occupation? 'No, says the Russian, just visiting'

 

[steveo]

Jurgan Klopp has ruled himself out of the Man U job but says his brother Clippity might be interested.

Meanwhile Ryan Giggs has also ruled himself out long term as he wants to spend more time with his brothers family.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I have sexdaily.......................I mean dyslexia.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

I was addicted to The Hokey Cokey...............................................but I've turned myself around.

 

[davewebbsbrain]

The Higgs Boson goes to the local catholic church but when he goes to enter the vicar stops him.

'You can't come in here I'm afraid' the vicar says

'I need to come in' Says the Higgs Boson

'Why is that?' asks the Vicar

'Well, you can't have mass without me' comes the reply.

 

[Pubey]

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

 

[THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK]

Our father, who are in prison
Mother knows not his name.
Thy Chavdom come, thy shoplifting done, in JJB sports as it is in Poundland.
Give us this day our welfare bread
And forgive us our ASBO's as we happy slap those
Who give evidence against us
And lead us not into employment
But deliver us free housing.
For thine is the chavdom
The Burberry and the Blackberry
Forever and ever
Innit.

 

[AshleyL]

My pet mouse elvis died today:sad:
he was caught in a trap!

 

[southend4ever]

Oscar Pistorius has sacked his current legal team and hired Celtic's after hearing that they lost both legs but still got a victory. :unsure:

 

[Tangled up in Blue]

Heard quite a good one from my wife yesterday.

A young French lad was trying to chat up his good looking,young English teacher.Suggested they could meet up for a drink in the evening etc.

To which she replied "Never."

"Qui.Neuf heures, ou neuf heures et demi" he said.

 

[Tangled up in Blue]

Duplicate post.

 

[Shrimper2thecore]

Heard quite a good one from my wife yesterday.

A young French lad was trying to chat up his good looking,young English teacher.Suggested they could meet up for a drink in the evening etc.

To which she replied "Never."

"Qui.Neuf heures, ou neuf heures et demi" he said.

Duplicate post.

Not sure it needed one post, let alone 2...:blush:

 

[davewebbsbrain]

Heard quite a good one from my wife yesterday.

A young French lad was trying to chat up his good looking,young English teacher.Suggested they could meet up for a drink in the evening etc.

To which she replied "Never."

"Qui.Neuf heures, ou neuf heures et demi" he said.

Just pointless.