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Tommy2holes

Life President⭐
Joined
Jan 21, 2007
Messages
9,252
Now i have had some ailments over the 33 years since my creation but my most recent has proved painful embaressing and is taking time to get over. So i wanted to know yours.

I'll go back to mine.

Bout 3 weeks ago i started getting a pain in my arse after going for a bike ride . I just put it down to the fact that i hadnt been out on bike for some time and sadle soreness.

As the days wore on i started to realise something more sinister was at hand . My arse cheek was starting to swell at an alarming rate and having got to the point were sittin down/driving was beginning to become a non event and with the mrs telling me things were not looking kocher downstairs i decided to go and see the docs.

Now im not one to go to the docs at the best of times, but my doctor is very old school and he always says it how it is.

So not best pleased that i have this pain in the arse and having to show it to some middle aged man i was slightly dismayed to hear on arrival that not only is my doctor not there , but some young attractive german female is filling in.

She takes one look at my arse and recommends that i go to the hospital , but perscribes me anti biotics.

Now im more adverse to going to hospital than i am going to the doctors so with perscription in hand i decide to give them a whirl first.

The mrs understandably urges me to go to the hospital. No dice.

At 2am i wake up to what can only be described as someone sticking a stanley blade in my arse cheek i decide enough is enough and ask the mrs to drive me to the hospital. Obviously she is delighted that i decided to go at 2 am rather than when she offered the previous evening.

So i find myself in casualty loaded up on a drip 5 people already having looked at my arse .

I get moved to a ward 6am and get told i will be operated on by midday. 10pm that night im still sitting wating and having had no food or drink since 5pm the day before im getting irritable.

I go to sleep being fathfully told that i will be in theatre by 2am.

I wake at 4 a.m and realise i need a slash. Now the toilet in my ward is out of use so off i go in my gown drip attached right down the far end of the corridor. Now there i am having a slash when this smell i can only describe as **** wafts through the air and then i feel it running down my leg. My abcess has finally decided to burst . Im not exaggerating when i say there must have been a pint atleast.

I get carted back to the bed and 3 nurses clean me up (including plums) and then proceed to lance the rest out whilst yanking on my arse cheeks.

Finally get to theatre next day at 3pm and get sent home for the district nurse to deal with.

I have now had some 7-8 odd district nurses come out to pack the wound the latest of which put a probe into the abyss which is now in my arse and proclaimed " ive lost the stick" Obviously she managed to retrieve it , but thats a full 10 cm.

I can honestly say this hasnt been the best few weeks of my life but i now do feel comfortable showing my arse and jacobs to random strangers.

What are your embaressing moments?
 
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Rob Noxious

Retro Supremo⭐
Joined
Oct 23, 2008
Messages
7,512
Location
Penzance
Now i have had some ailments over the 33 years since my creation but my most recent has proved painful embaressing and is taking time to get over. So i wanted to know yours.

I'll go back to mine.

Bout 3 weeks ago i started getting a pain in my arse after going for a bike ride . I just put it down to the fact that i hadnt been out on bike for some time and sadle soreness.

As the days wore on i started to realise something more sinister was at hand . My arse cheek was starting to swell at an alarming rate and having got to the point were sittin down/driving was beginning to become a non event and with the mrs telling me things were not looking kocher downstairs i decided to go and see the docs.

Now im not one to go to the docs at the best of times, but my doctor is very old school and he always says it how it is.

So not best pleased that i have this pain in the arse and having to show it to some middle aged man i was slightly dismayed to hear on arrival that not only is my doctor not there , but some young attractive german female is filling in.

She takes one look at my arse and recommends that i go to the hospital , but perscribes me anti biotics.

Now im more adverse to going to hospital than i am going to the doctors so with perscription in hand i decide to give them a whirl first.

The mrs understandably urges me to go to the hospital. No dice.

At 2am i wake up to what can only be described as someone sticking a stanley blade in my arse cheek i decide enough is enough and ask the mrs to drive me to the hospital. Obviously she is delighted that i decided to go at 2 am rather than when she offered the previous night.

So i find myself in casualty loaded up on a drip 5 people already having looked at my arse .

I get moved to a ward 6am and get told i will be operated on by midday. 10pm that im still sitting wating and having had no food or drink since 5pm the day before im getting irritable.

I go to sleep being fathfully told that i will be in theatre by 2am.

I wake at 4 a.m and realise i need a slash. Now the toilet in my ward is out of use so off i go in my gown drip attached right down the far end of the corridor. Now there i am having a slash when this smell i can only describe as **** wafts through the air and then i feel it running down my leg. My abcess has finally decided to burst . Im not exaggerating when i say there must have been a pint atleast.

I get carted back to the bed and 3 nurses clean me up (including plums) and then proceed to lance the rest out whilst yanking on my arse cheeks.

Finally get to theatre next day at 3pm and get sent home for the district nurse to deal with.

I have now had some 7-8 odd district nurses come out to pack the wound the latest of which put a probe into the abyss which is now in my arse and proclaimed " ive lost the stick" Obviously she managed to retrieve it , but thats a full 10 cm.

I can honestly say this hasnt been the best few weeks of my life but i now do feel comfortable showing my arse and jacobs to random strangers.

What are your embaressing moments?

Good grief, Tommy! You must have needed that second hole --- ouch! I hope that you're on the mend. Best I can offer is breaking my nose whilst doing some drunken climbing and trying to pass it off at Southend A&E as a footy-related injury. Actually, on reflection, a footy one was ... I went over face-first on the astro-turf and got these really florid astro-burns all over my face. Next day I was doing jury service and when I got sworn in, I saw the defendant looking over at me somewhat surprised. He was in the dock for ABH - I looked like his victim! :D
 
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Dick Bate's Protege

Minister for Equality
Joined
Apr 20, 2009
Messages
1,943
Location
In a Tory Wonderland
Knocked myself out with a cricket bat once in a sports hall net session. Hit the wall by mistake and it bounced back and took me out. Also had some mature Irish minger from Ipswich make my nipples bleed once during a particularly herioc sexual encounter. I came, I saw, I conquered.
 

J

The Chameleon
Joined
Jul 5, 2004
Messages
7,576
I vomitted over a bird once, she was pretty rough though. I wasn't even drunk, i had a stomach bug.. I was in a cubical in a pub (not the toilet one) and couldn't get out passed my mate, and as his a good pal i didn't want to throw my lunch all over him, so i turned my head and managed to spray this wrongun of a bird..
 
Joined
Jul 12, 2005
Messages
22,733
Location
Canvey Island
I vomitted over a bird once, she was pretty rough though. I wasn't even drunk, i had a stomach bug.. I was in a cubical in a pub (not the toilet one) and couldn't get out passed my mate, and as his a good pal i didn't want to throw my lunch all over him, so i turned my head and managed to spray this wrongun of a bird..

Reminds me of the time I vomited on the cat, and I thought, I don't remember eating that.
 

Matt the Shrimp

aka Harry Potter
Joined
Oct 27, 2003
Messages
19,929
Location
Lewisham, London
When travelling in the Indian subcontinent, I got pretty much every variant of "Delhi belly" you can think of... including some of the nastier ones when my internal defences were at a low ebb (e.g. amoebic dysentery, giardia). Most effective diet I ever went on - I lost about 4.5 stone in the course of 10 weeks or so.

However, the upshot of it all was that when I had my first normal dump in 10 weeks... well, the ole' starfish simply wasn't ready for it... and I ripped it. Not much fun, I can tell you.

I had mixed emotions about the fact that, when I went to see the doc, he told me I was going to need an operation. On the plus side, I was quite looking forward to having my @rse back, and it was only going to cost me £10. On the down side, having an operation in the middle of rural Pakistan hadn't been high up on my list of "experiences" to have while travelling.

Then again, the name of the hospital in Peshawar where I had the op? The Khyber Medical Centre. You really couldn't make it up.

Actually, the op was a success, and other than being in a lot of pain for a couple of days and having to wear a nappy (slightly unedifying as a 19 year old), it all cleared up within a few days. Getting a kidney stone a week later was a bit of a kick in the teeth, though...

:'(
 

Tarquin Fauntleroy

The Blackest White Man In Town
Joined
Aug 4, 2008
Messages
1,254
Hi Chaps!

I had a problem with my right shoulder which used to move slightly out of it's socket and then sieze up whenever I moved it in a praticular direction.

It did happen once while I was knocking one out and I couldn't move my arm.

I managed to struggle to one of my neighbours, but when she answered the door to be confronted by a red-faced man with the expression of acute pain, grasping his own penis, she just screamed and slammed the door on me.

I finally managed to get down to A&E, where after being confronted by several staff members and the police, I was finally seen by a nurse.
Thankfully my shoulder was returned to it's rightful place and I was able 'finish off' in the comfort of a packed waiting room.

Kind Regards
 

southend4ever

I used to play a little.
Joined
Oct 24, 2003
Messages
8,756
The manager of our under 13's team got so smashed one night we were away on tour that he come back our campsite in Mersea and urinated on one of the lad's dad's head claiming he thought it was a toilet. Safe to say that the bloke wasn't very happy. He definitely wasn't sleeping with a toilet seat around his head either...
toilet_head_prank.jpg
 

osymandus

Life President
Joined
Jan 20, 2007
Messages
5,352
Location
Here there everywhere
Knocking myself out while in the Hilton hotel in Canne's . Worse thing was i wasnt even drink :( . Sandles and poor balance allowed me to trip over a patio door style entrance (and as i was unconciuoss in a few seconds ) guess i had rolled over head butted propably my knee and tore open my right big toe .


As the rest of the room was drunk i came too and was the only person to spot my foot bleeding . Spent the night in french A&E and walked back in the morning :(
 

EastStandBlue

Life President
Joined
May 29, 2005
Messages
15,490
When I was 11, I was ran over whilst on my bike. ****** didn't stop, and I was woken by two strangers on the side of the road, having been dragged there for my own safety. Thinking it was only a few mild scrapes and scratches, I limped home with my bike in tow to be greeted by my old man who wondered just what I had been up to.

Cleaned my face up, sat down for dinner and thought nothing of it... Until about two hours later when I had a throbbing pain my groin. Shuffled to the toilet, pulled my pants down and realised I had a 4 inch gash millimetres from the crown jewels. I was subsequently rushed to hospital where my groin was examined by three of the most beautiful student nurses an 11 year old boy could imagine. Fortunately for myself, my old man and the nurses, the shock of it all was too much and popping a boner was the least of my worries.

I was glued up (one of the first in Southend hospital to receive the glue treatment, apparently) and sent on my way wearing a make-shift jock strap made of bandages to ensure that I couldn't move/scratch the glued area.
 

Southend_Lady

Ginger Sam
Joined
Nov 2, 2006
Messages
4,719
Location
Thundersley
I have just been reading the latest copy of take a break and there is a story in it almost identical to the one that started this thread! It says he is from Essex too! Is it you Tommy two holes?
 
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Pubey

Guest
b3ta is currently doing the 'ouch' question of the week too.

I think I've posted my one before...

When I was about 10, I was messing around on our bunk beds, and while on the top bunk I put my arm underneath the side bar to reach down to something my brother was passing up to me. However I over balanced and fell off the top bunk, with my arm still under the bar. Both my ulna and radius bones snapped and I was left hanging off the side of the bed and suspended by my now u-shaped arm. I fell down to the floor with my arm flopping about... absolutely horrific. My dad is a doctor and my mum is a nurse, and both were properly freaked out after coming into a room with me and my brother screaming... I think they expected us to be fighting, and not that my arm was now pointing to hong-kong!

After 6 weeks in plaster, I was playing at the local summer youth thing, I'd literally had my arm out of plaster for 1 day and I fell over and it broke again. 12 weeks in plaster across the whole of the summer holiday wasn't fun!
 

londonblue

Topgun Pilot
Joined
Feb 18, 2004
Messages
17,121
Last Monday I had my tonsils out. That in itself isn't all that embarrassing, but my throat got infected to the extent the my wife could smell by breath from the other room. It took her a couple of days to pluck up the courage to tell me, so I had been carrying on as normally as I could up until that point. Needless to say I haven't been out of the house much since.

BTW the surgeon has given me hydrogen peroxide to gargle with, so if any of you need your hair bleached let me know and i'll bring it along on Saturday...it tastes disgusting.
 

Tommy2holes

Life President⭐
Joined
Jan 21, 2007
Messages
9,252
b3ta is currently doing the 'ouch' question of the week too.

I think I've posted my one before...

When I was about 10, I was messing around on our bunk beds, and while on the top bunk I put my arm underneath the side bar to reach down to something my brother was passing up to me. However I over balanced and fell off the top bunk, with my arm still under the bar. Both my ulna and radius bones snapped and I was left hanging off the side of the bed and suspended by my now u-shaped arm. I fell down to the floor with my arm flopping about... absolutely horrific. My dad is a doctor and my mum is a nurse, and both were properly freaked out after coming into a room with me and my brother screaming... I think they expected us to be fighting, and not that my arm was now pointing to hong-kong!

After 6 weeks in plaster, I was playing at the local summer youth thing, I'd literally had my arm out of plaster for 1 day and I fell over and it broke again. 12 weeks in plaster across the whole of the summer holiday wasn't fun!

I broke my humoures (spelling) bone and ended up with my hand the wrong way round and nearly behind my head. Painful as it was to pull it round its not a patch on yours mate. That must have ****ing twanged lol
 
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