Guide To Southend-On-Sea

[Colchester Loving Southend Fan]

Southend On Sea: Face to face with the missing link.
_POSTEDON Monday, July 26 @ 10:40:26 CEST by Mr_Cholmondley-Warne


Mr_Cholmondley-Warne _WRITES: "I spent four years of my life forced to live in the hellhole that is Southend and I loathed every hour of it.
This pit has no redeeming qualities at all.
Central to the town is the Victoria Circus shopping centre, half of it's shops are closed down and the other half sell discount sportswear, fake designer bags or frozen food.
The High street is as unsplendid a mother-@#%$ as you will ever see, a solid mile of grey concrete and upturned bins.
Hundreds of chav-mums, vast swollen things with grey leggings, white reeboks and hair SCRAPED back into "The Croydon Facelift" ponytail, swarm around the pedestrianised areas. Cackling swarms of nine-carat "slapper-mams" who will, I assure you descend on any unsuspecting stranger at a moments notice to mock them for having an education, a tailor or an opposable thumb.
The males are even worse. I have lived in some rough areas, Tottenham and Beirut among them, but I have never encountered the sheer force of aimless agression in the way it is presented in Southend. Gangs of chavs with, at least, one Staffordshire Bull Terrier. Are a regular feature of the high street area and will, even during the day, waste no time in locating, identifying and attacking anyone who is not one of their own. Usually they are attached to one of the many bences in the immediate vicinity of one of the high-street's TWO branches of McDonalds, smoking jazz cigarettes and drinking white lightening, urinating in public or urging their communal dog to attack a much smaller dog, usually one owned by a small child or pensioner.
The area near the Royals Shopping Centre at the sea front end of the high street is slightly safer, but beware the benches behind it for they are the haunt of both Southend's feared wigger elite and dangerously drunken older chavs returning from the sea front pubs.
This brings us neatly on to the matter of the sea-front. No self-respecting human being will ever go here. I once went to see a band at the Minerva and narrowly escaped being bottled for walking too close to someone's car. The air is thick with the smell of junk food and the locals are just thick.
The sea front boasts yet another McDonalds, although to get there you would have to walk along the most dangerous stretch of the seafront. Watch as the chavs drive their cars at four miles an hour in circles, around the roundabout and back round again. Highlights of the seafront must be:
The Cornucopia: Britain's most inbred and hostile public bar.
Mr. B's: A nightclub so tacky it makes a Glasgow Disco look like a Phillip Glass recital.
The Kursaal: A truly astonishing collection of loads of events and theme nights that no-one would ever dream of being seen dead at.
Southend is an amazing experience for the hardcore Chavologist. If you want to see just how many articles of denim clothing someone can wear at the same time then it's the place to go.
Personally I left it. Mainly because, and these things stick in the mind, at 2:20pm on the 20th of April 2000, someone levelled a gun at my face and told me I was a "@#%$ freak" with "@#%$ weird things in my ears".
@#%$ town, @#%$ people, they should all be herded into the sea and beaten with sticks."

Nice, have to say it was possibly a little better than that description but it really grabs the spirit of the town though.

 

[Napster]

Maybe but we've still got a bigger attendance than you

 

[tr0ublegum]

Oh I do like to be beside the seaside...

 

[* ORM *]

I actually think that is one of the most accurate descriptions of Southend I have read in a long time and I could probably add a heck of a lot more to the list.

It may be a sh*thole, but it's my sh*thole and has one redeeming feature that negates all the other ones. SUFC, the best team in Essex and reigning LDV Southern Area Champions.

 

[The General]

That must have been done in the late 90's as the roundabout has gone and the High Street has been completely re-done with benches, new pavements, bins etc... Strange that he failed to mention the grungers outside BK though!

Kev

 

[Colchester Loving Southend Fan]

Quote[/b] ]Maybe but we've still got a bigger attendance than you

Damn and blast it, is there no end to your comebacks. What next a crap ground comment, heavens no, you genius!

 

[Barry the dog]

How much of your time did you spend researching that you sad pathetic creature?

After eading you post i would say you are about 34 years old, very ugly and with no friends or girlfriends and you day consists of this.

07.00 wake up change out of your pijamas and mastubate over your 20 year old playboy.

07.01 Go downstairs and sit at the table waiting for mummy to fetch your egg and soldiers for her little boys breakfast.

07.30 get changed into your Y fronts which mummy bought for you last Xmas, put your Safeways shirt and tie on and go to work i the shop carpark as a trolley collecter like you have done for the past 17 years.

12.00 Go too the staff cantein and order fishfingers, chips and beans while sitting on your own because your BO is so bad no c**t will sit next too you.

12.30 ring mummy and tell her everyone is horrible too you and you have no friends whilst sobbing down the phone.

13.00 go back to the carpark.

17.00 Get the bus home to mummy have a bath with your rubber duck and sit down for din dins followed by your favourite ice cream because you have been a good boy not wetting the bed for a week.

19.00 watch the history channel whilst mummy knits you a new jumper with a sheep on it.

20.30 Have to go too bed because its chocolate cake day tomorrow.

 

[Napster]

Quote[/b] (The General @ Sep. 02 2004,17:36)]That must have been done in the late 90's as the roundabout has gone and the High Street has been completely re-done with benches, new pavements, bins etc... Strange that he failed to mention the grungers outside BK though!

Kev

and Mr.B's nightclub is no more.

 

[Colchester Loving Southend Fan]

Don't mean to p*ss on your firework but it was posted on the Colchester board by another user. Making you look a bit of a tit really, of course with that username you looked a tit from the start didn't ya geeze!

Anyway since your guess on what my life is like was suprisingly wide of the mark (Actually 18 and just come home from the work - not Safeway, currently wasting time before I go up lovely Colchester for the night!) I think i'll guess a day in the life of Barry The Tart.

11:00 AM - Wake up for Trisha, cheer on your brother/sister/dog/caravan as they argue about a breakdown in some sort of relationship in your family.

12:00 PM - Get the poodle (called Bramble) out it's kennel and walk on down to the job centre. Complain about immigrants nicking your doll cash, consider 'paying a visit' to one of their houses. Don't in the end as you might miss Countdown.

3:00 PM - Pick up your Sierra from home and cruise down the seafront, shout at a few old people whilst blasting out Eminem from your tape player.

4:00 PM - Go home to the Caravan, to see that some blighter has only gone and started a tire fire only yards from your new van (When I say new, I mean 10+ years old). Consider bottling the 5 year old outside, think against it as he has a plastic gun which your unsure of.

6:00 PM - Flick yourself off to Ann and the Weakest Link.

8:00 PM - Down a Ribena and slam glass on the table, collapse in a heap on the sofa and ponder where you spent your doll money. Blame the dog.

10:00 PM - Lights out in Van 9 as your off to bed, while in bed consider changing name to Barry The Bruiser but then decide it's innapropriate as you feel that you already command to much respect from your peers as 'Barry The Dog'.

 

[ShrimperJim]

Quote[/b] ]....and the locals are just thick.

I don't quite understand that bit, and what's with your name? You don't seem like a Southend fan to me.

Nice of you to sum up the town, christ if only some-one would write about Colchester.....what a sh*t hole.

 

[Colchester Loving Southend Fan]

Quote[/b] ]You don't seem like a Southend fan to me.

I thank you!

 

[Southendsleeper]

Quote[/b] (* ORM * @ Sep. 02 2004,18:36)]I actually think that is one of the most accurate descriptions of Southend I have read in a long time and I could probably add a heck of a lot more to the list.

It may be a sh*thole, but it's my sh*thole and has one redeeming feature that negates all the other ones. SUFC, the best team in Essex and reigning LDV Southern Area Champions.

Seconded.

But Ive never wanted to live anywhere else.

 

[ShrimperJim]

Quote[/b] (Colchester Loving Southend Fan @ Sep. 02 2004,18:10)]

Quote[/b] ]You don't seem like a Southend fan to me.

I thank you!

Wasn't a compliment. It was sarcasm to the reference of being thick.

I wouldn't compliment a piece of Col U trash if they were the last thing on earth.

 

[overseas shrimper]

Quote[/b] (ShrimperJim @ Sep. 02 2004,21:46)]

Quote[/b] (Colchester Loving Southend Fan @ Sep. 02 2004,18:10)]

Quote[/b] ]You don't seem like a Southend fan to me.

I thank you!

Wasn't a compliment. It was sarcasm to the reference of being thick.

I wouldn't compliment a piece of Col U trash if they were the last thing on earth.

You wouldn't be able to. If they were the last thing on Earth, you wouldn't be around.

 

[Smudger]

Mr hilarious Col U fan - firstly, what is "doll" money and where do you get it from? The doll shop? Secondly, why are you trying so hard to be funny when clearly you just aren't?

 

[tr0ublegum]

That description of Southend may or may not be accurate - it's a bit subjective, let's face it. But I like the line "it's my sh*thole" (much better than jokes about BO). That's exactly the point of supporting your home town team, no matter what people say about your town, it's part of who you are.

So I think the original post was a bit silly.

 

[sealion]

Southend may not be perfect but so what. I love living here by the seaside. For sure, it's got it's rough parts but where hasn't & anyway, who you looking at?

 

[Shrimpador]

I dont remember being dazzled by the intelligence of the yocals last time I had the misfortune of heading North of Chelmsford. Or making a mental note of the lack of chavs in your high street. You live in sh*thole, we live in sh*thole.

Fortunately, we dont have a bunch of arse-hunting army boys invading out town every night either. Must be tough in Colchester, having to shag your mum, a sheep or an army boy. Keeps you out of trOuble I suppose.

SUFC - Champions of Essex

 

[Guest]

In response i thought i'd check out what the web says about Colchester......

Extract from www.knowhere.co.uk
·
· Two bottles of Diamond White drank on the wall outside the Hole in the Wall.
· Itchycoo! the place to hang around smoking and drinking but you have to watch out for gary boys looking for fights (quite easy to spot though what with all those adidas trousers) Not gonna be here much longer though because theyre turning it into a nature reserve thing.
· Itchy Coo - always a popular corner of castle park with students/stoners in the warmer months of the year.
· culver square by the fountain alway loads of grungers there its kind of a placw where you wont be blinded by gold dangly earing and blonde streaked hair
· Pot Hill, the Hillie Fields, Castle park. Number one and two are the druggy hangouts, castle park is for the little idiots who go into town specifically not to do anything!
· Culver square. Seating benches all over it and is right in the center of town
· Culver Square, where the tracksuited ones and the foolishly-trousered ones meet. It always looks like they're about to have a huge fight, but they never do. It's a shame. The Kingdom, until it was stolen. The rightful owners shall return, and restore it's former... glory. If you could call it that.
· Two bottles of Diamond White drank on the wall outside the Hole in the Wall.
· Itchycoo! the place to hang around smoking and drinking but you have to watch out for gary boys looking for fights (quite easy to spot though what with all those adidas trousers) Not gonna be here much longer though because theyre turning it into a nature reserve thing.
· Itchy Coo - always a popular corner of castle park with students/stoners in the warmer months of the year.
· culver square by the fountain alway loads of grungers there its kind of a placw where you wont be blinded by gold dangly earing and blonde streaked hair
· Pot Hill, the Hillie Fields, Castle park. Number one and two are the druggy hangouts, castle park is for the little idiots who go into town specifically not to do anything!
· Culver square. Seating benches all over it and is right in the center of town
· Culver Square, where the tracksuited ones and the foolishly-trousered ones meet. It always looks like they're about to have a huge fight, but they never do. It's a shame. The Kingdom, until it was stolen. The rightful owners shall return, and restore it's former... glory. If you could call it that.
· Anywhere but Greenstead. Apart from it stinks, the boys there are complete w@nkers who where too much jewellry,puffs!, and chase after little girls making them pregnant with there limp sperm before the age of 10!
· Out side the "Drome" on weekdays (Bewarned do NOT go there on Wed,Thur,Fri & Sat's for Garyboys get in the way!)
· I have to warn you people that you should really really avoid the third friday of every month. Deep is really scary, and even more scary is the fact that its run by bible bashers!. There are girls and boys down there who wear more gold than posh spice. V.Sad... Also be warned of the 15 year old boys, who thinkthey are the hard men of colchester and start on everyone. You have been warned!
· THe field, on St Johns Road, is the 'worshipped place' to its residents!!!. Dont go to the shops, nearby or Tesco, or you will have to fend of addidas and topshop clad youngsters, begging you to buy their Cider!. Beware of the thirf friday of every month, this is when youngsters flock to deep, very scary. Lots of Kevins and Lauras in their short short skirts, sovereign rings and gold earrings. Keep clear of them Greenstead girls with their Gold Earring brigades!!!.
· everyone wants a fight. People stop you on the street to ask you. Squaddies are always on the look out, many people have died recently due to fighting in town so its well advised to stay in the pubs & clubs, not like the old days of getting wrecked in town and wandering about on the pull (what i did when i was 13-15, then got into pubs)
· Squadies, need I say more. Allso, Queen Street, the tackiest place on Earth that isnt by the sea.
· The traffic, caused by those bloody bus lanes that need to be got rid of. Suspicious smells near the Hythe. All the buildings responsible should be in the Demolish-it section.
· To many Big issue sellers.
· Worst thing about Colchester is traffic. If you do drive, avoid it in rush hour as you just won't move. Cycle paths aren't too bad (they did make some progress here), but it's a nightmare to drive through, and no real shopping focus - too many satelite shopping areas out of town.
· The Greenstead Estate is grim grim grim. And there's a shocking amount of drugs going around - maybe due to Colchester's proximity to an international port.
· The squaddies
· Oh pretty much all of it unless you're a tourist. Worth a day trip if nothing else.
· The traffic and totally useless Bus Lanes that only the local council seem to think are of any use and arrogantly refuse to remove!
· There are some really ugly women in Colchester, I think some of them live behind the ATS Tyre place on East Hill and date coppers....it's like a scene from Deliverence. Colchester Zoo, should be called the animal prison. How can people leave with a clear conscience.
· Narrow-minded attitudes. Rascism to the 1% ethnic minority population. Bob Russell and his sicophantic tw*t councillors - we don't want the New Town news Bob! It's a bunch of moaning crap. All it ever says is, "Naughty Labour have said this or that." I don't like any of you, but you're the worst. The council pulling down the playground in Attlee Gardens/Golden Noble Hill to build a car park and then referring to council house kids as 'that sort of child' when my mum complained. The lack of nightlife. Greenstead/White City/Highwoods...
· HSBC bank in the High Street. Every lunch time it is full of foreign students annoying all the staff because they can't use the cash machines!
· too many squaddies fighting (although it can be entertaining to watch), too many students moaning about the squaddies and having nothing to do (I don't know what they expect, I have lived in towns all over the country and once you go outside London and other big cities Colchester is about as lively as it gets)
· St Johns Street at any time is a nightmare for mothers who care about their childrens health; all due to that enviromentally freindly body called Colchester Borough Transport. ANYTHING with BOB RUSSEL on it!!
· The lack of decent night spots and clothes shops
· Squadies & Students in the same town, how unlucky!
· The worst thing about Colchester has to be the 5,000 squaddies based there, who make half the pubs unusable at the weekends (especially the Wagon and Horses and the Castle).
· The insane amount of cars jamming up the town centre at all hours of the day and night.
· Hordes of students who moan about there being nothing to do because of the squaddies despite the fact that they never stray further than campus and wouldn't know a squaddie if it came up and bit them.
· The extremely bad attitude of the bouncers and the barstaff in The Playhouse pub.


Seems like the Colchester locals like Colchester as much as we do !!!!!