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Jokes And Oher Interesting things;

SUFCFARAWAY

Guest
13 things for a man to do in Tesco

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's trolleys when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone: 'Code 3 in Housewares... and see what happens.

4. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on credit.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department? and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

7. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

9. While handling large knives in the Kitchen Dept, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are located.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

11 . Hide in a clothing rack . . . and when people browse through, say: "PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

12. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor and assume the fetal position and scream "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

And last but not least:

13. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while... then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here."
 

SUFCFARAWAY

Guest
TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE
A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL
BROTHEL.

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
MANAGER, "GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN
EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY
GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE."

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE
CARE OF BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, "YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL
WAS DEAD!"
"DEAD?" SAYS HIS FRIEND, "WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER."

HIS FRIEND SAYS, "I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH."
"A WITCH, WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?"
"WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK
AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW."
 

SUFCFARAWAY

Guest
There were two gay guy living together. One was more feminine and the other
more masculine.

The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real problem for
him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why he had no chest
hair and if there was something he could do about.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy, and really the
only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth was to smother Vaseline all
over his chest daily and perhaps the skin would become stimulated enough to
produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately home and smothered
his chest in Vaselinel.

When his partner came home and jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline
and asked, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment from
his partner. Finally, his partner said,

"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a "pony tail" coming out
of your *** by now?"
 
Joined
Jul 12, 2005
Messages
22,733
Location
Canvey Island
A man phones his doctor, and says "Doctor I think the wifes dead"

Doctor "Waht makes you think that?"

Man "Well the sex is the same, but the ironings piling up"
 

RobM.

Manager
Joined
Oct 31, 2003
Messages
1,186
Location
Corringham
Somebody stole my wife's credit card. I didn't report it to the police as the thief was spending less than she did!
 

* ORM *

Emma Bunton's No. 1 stalker, Adam Barretts No. 1 f
Joined
Nov 7, 2003
Messages
17,634
Location
Flying the flag for SUFC in Sai Kung, Hong Kong
A blonde doing a jigsaw Puzzle says to her husband:

"Can you help me with this puzzle, it's meant to be a tiger"

Her husband's reply:


















"Put the FRUCKING Frosties back in the box"
 

hexagon_sun

Manager
Joined
May 5, 2005
Messages
1,909
An oldie but still the funniest e-mail joke I've ever been sent...

A young man called Paul wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's Christmas present and as they had not been dating for very long, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note; not too romantic and not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister he went to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"Dear Maria,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Paul

PS - The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
 
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