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Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,810
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
.....because I've realise what a ******* Santa is, that's why.

I mean, aside from the dubious idea of an elderly man entering the bedrooms of sleeping children and emptying his sacks, what else does he do? Think about it:

1) Parking offences - how many parking tickets must he pick up with his 'park anywhere' attitude? Moreover, does he pay his fines? I think not.

2) Animal cruelty - getting the Reindeer to travel that far and that fast can't be fair for the poor creatures. Do the RSPCA know about this?

3) Staying with the Reindeer thing - how on earth do they fly? Very unnatural.....I suggest that some highly illegal substances might be given to the Reindeer in order to make them do this.

4) Elves - have you ever heard of them being paid for their labour? How many elf hours must it take to make all those toys!? I thought slavery was banned a century ago.....

5) Names - Father Christmas; St. Nick; Santa Claus; Papa Noel......how many aliases need a man have? Identity theft? Dodgy!

6) Coming down the chimney into your house when everyone's asleep - breaking and entering!

7) How does he get around the whole world in one night? - He's clearly travelling waaaay over the speed limit!

8) How many glasses of sherry, wine, whisky, port and God knows what else does he have in each house? Certainly enough to put him over the alcohol limit! So DUI can be added to the list.

9) Doesn't stop at borders when he CLEARLY has plenty of things to declare at Customs - illegal immigration!

So there you have it. Mr. Christopher Cringle, my dear friends, is a PHONEY. As well as a slave-owning, drug-trafficking, identity-stealing illegal immigrant who is cruel to animals, and speeds whilst being under the influence of alcohol before breaking into YOUR home. I put it to you that the man should now be considered unsuitable for young children to look up to.

Wait til the Daily Mail hears about this one.

THAT is why I no longer feel Christmassy.
 

Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,810
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
This was the result of a 5-person discussion initiated by my housemate a few days ago. It started off with him raising the 'breaking and entering' point, before we spent hours reeling off more. It may well be that he heard it from Jimmy Carr but I'm not too sure myself :)
 
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