• Welcome to the ShrimperZone forums.
    You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which only gives you limited access.

    Existing Users:.
    Please log-in using your existing username and password. if you have any problems, please see below.

    New Users:
    Join our free community now and gain access to post topics, communicate privately with other members, respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and free. Click here to join.

    Fans from other clubs
    We welcome and appreciate supporters from other clubs who wish to engage in sensible discussion. Please feel free to join as above but understand that this is a moderated site and those who cannot play nicely will be quickly removed.

    Assistance Required
    For help with the registration process or accessing your account, please send a note using the Contact us link in the footer, please include your account name. We can then provide you with a new password and get you back on the site.

Your Jokes,strictly for the Pub only.

Joined
Dec 10, 2006
Messages
7,763
Likes
335
Location
SHOEBURY
I’ll never forget how happy i was when i saw my wife walking down the aisle towards me. My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable. It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, stood beside me.... I gave her a cheeky wink and said, “Get that trolley over here love, they’re doing three cases of Lager for the price of two”
 

mattitouk

Life President
Joined
Oct 7, 2008
Messages
5,355
Likes
1,070
Location
C100
A little late, but I got this text message from my brother in Australia a fortnight ago:


I went to the fancy dress shop yesterday for my Dracula outfit, ready for Halloween night.....I spoke to the woman behind the counter, and she pulled out a Colchester United home kit.....

I said "I think you may have misunderstood me my love,.... I said I wanted to look like a count" !!
 
Joined
Aug 4, 2010
Messages
287
Likes
13
Location
Eastwood
At the nursing home


A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home. The nurses bathe her and set her in a chair at a window. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately straighten her up. Again, she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back to put her upright. This goes on all morning. Later, the family arrives and asks, "Are they treating you all right?" "It's pretty nice," the old woman replies. "Except they won't let you fart."
 

RobM

Life President
Joined
Jan 20, 2007
Messages
6,600
Likes
152
Location
Essex of course!
I entered a TV quiz show and did well. I had one simple question to answer to win the Grand Prize.
"OK Rob, this is your final question but first, pick a number from 1 to 10, the envelope here that has number on it will dictate your prize!"

"Um...well, most people would choose 'seven' so to be different I'll choose 'four'".

"Envelope four is...A day at the Community Stadium and meet all the Colchester players! Now, the question..."

(Lights dim apart from one spotlight on me, dramatic music...)

"What is the sum of three and five?"

"It seems obvious but I'll take a few seconds , just to make sure I don't give a daft answer".

"You have ten seconds..."

9...8..7..6..5..4..3..2 BZZT!

"And your answer is?"

I took a deep breath and answered..."4,928!"
 
Joined
Jan 17, 2018
Messages
14
Likes
1
Location
Southend Expat
During this time of KFC shortages, thought you might like to try this at home:

A Great Chicken Recipe


Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing - imagine that! When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.


BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN


size 18. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn
Salt/pepper to taste


Preheat oven to 220c.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
Listen for the popping sounds.


When the chicken's arse blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done :cry:
 

Cricko

Zone CEO
Staff member
Joined
Oct 25, 2006
Messages
27,605
Likes
1,551
Location
Leigh-On-Sea
Was taking the dog for a walk the other day when the mrs starts tutting and taking her shoe off " whats up with you? " I said " i've got a stone in my shoe " she snarled.

I said " you've got 20 stone in the other ****er and thats not bothering you..... keep walking "
 

mattitouk

Life President
Joined
Oct 7, 2008
Messages
5,355
Likes
1,070
Location
C100
An Irish boy is standing by the side of the road crying.
A man asks him "What's Wrong?"
The boy says "Me Ma Is Dead".
"Oh bejaysus", the man says. "Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?"
The boy replies, "No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment".

*

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed, that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

*

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the old days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus, and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!".
 

Rob Noxious

Retro Supremo
Joined
Oct 23, 2008
Messages
6,660
Likes
371
Location
Penzance
You've probably heard this but this one took on a poignancy all its own as a result of it being the last one a mate of mine told another mate before he died. Latter mate told me late mate's joke when late mate was poorly at home fairly recently. He told latter mate that he'd had bad news from the Doctor. The Doctor had told him that he had to stop masturbating. Late mate asked why. Doc said, "Well, I can't examine you until you do."

 

MK Shrimper

Life President
Joined
Aug 6, 2005
Messages
46,025
Likes
1,634
A woman is sitting at her husband's funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, go right ahead," says the woman.
The man stands up, clear his throat, and says "Plethora," and then sits down again.
"Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
 
Top