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Your Jokes, Strictly for the Pub only.

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Victoria Beckham phones up David and says ''Where are you''? He said ''I'm in the park having a kick about.'' She said ''You forgot your boots.'' He said ''You wear the trousers, you might as well have the boots as well.''

There's a knock at the door of David and Victoria's Mansion. It's the double glazing salesman. He said to David, ''This is very embarrassing David, but we haven't received any payments for all the double glazing we fitted for you. David said, ''You told me it will pay for itself in 6 Months.''
 
During the 2nd World war, a soldier is sent to join Monty's desert rats. After a few weeks he's feeling very frisky. He's ask another soldier ''How do you have a bit of sex out here, miles from anywhere? It's my day off tomorrow.'' The soldier reply's, ''The Camel will be ready for you in shed number 6 in the morning.'' Anyway, the next morning he finds the Camel and he's giving it a right old go. The other soldier hears all the noise, opens the shed door and says, ''You dirty b*****d. I meant ride it to the nearest town.''
 
Last edited:
THE SEVENTIES NORTH BANK said:
During the 2nd World war, a soldier is sent to join Monty's desert rats. After a few weeks he's feeling very frisky. He's ask another soldier ''How do you have a bit of sex out here, miles from anywhere? It's my day off tomorrow'' The soldier reply's, ''The Camel will be ready for in shed number 6 in the morning.'' Anyway, the next morning he finds the Camel and he's giving it a right old go. The other soldier hears all the noise, opens the shed door and says, ''You dirty b*****d. I meant ride it to the nearest town.''
Click to expand...

That joke is so old it's retired to a care home in Bournemouth and has booked tickets to Dignitas.
 
Oop North, a man goes to the cotton mill and says ''Is Fred in''?. A fella said, ''He's just gone for cotton, come back Friday.'' He goes back on Friday and says ''Is Fred in''? The fella said ''He's gone for cotton, come back Monday.'' He goes back on Monday and says ''Is Fred in''? The fella said ''He's gone for cotton, come back Thursday.'' He goes back on Thursday and says ''Is Fred in''? The fella said ''I'm ever so sorry but Fred passed away and we buried him yesterday.'' ''Oh dear'' he says ''I would like to pay my respects, where is he buried.''? ''Up there in the old cemetery.'' The fella replies. So he goes up to the old cemetery, and on his gravestone it says 'Fred gone, but not for cotton.'
 
Walkers Crisps has been bought by an Arab prince. They will be rebranded by the Sultan Sheikh.
 
Two cows in a field, and one says to the other...''What do you think of this mad cow disease, that's going about?''
The other one said ''I'm not bothered, it doesn't affect me, I'm a duck.''
 
I hear the catering manager at Dignitas has reconsidered the choice of breakfast cereal available. Maybe Cheerios was a tad insensitive!
 
So a little boy goes up to his dad and says, ''My tortoise doesn't seem well dad, what's going to happen if it dies?'' He said ''Don't worry son. We'll get a cardboard box and bury it in the garden. We'll plants some lovely flowers, and you can have your mates around and have some chocolates, drinks and ice cream.'' ''Can we kill it now dad?''
 
So I was going past the Theatre, and saw it advertised XXX Roman short plays. I thought that sounds sexy. So I went in, and it was 30 Roman short plays.

My friend asked me, ''If you could have any super power in the world, what would it be''? I said '' Cold war Russia''.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y.
 
I know we're hardly one to crow about football results but

7o77enham Ho7spurs made me chortle.
 
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