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A Century United

Firewalking for HD
Jan 26, 2007
Welcome to the Idiot's Guide to Shrimperzone and SUFC. There is a clear need for this guide, as we have so many "newbies" (see guide) joining, and many of our regular members seem to have become confused as to the purpose of Shrimperzone. This is guide is intended to be expanded, and people are free to add their own entries.

Please note - this is not in alphabetical order. After all, why confuse the Colchester fans who grace us with their presence?

Shrimperzone A public message board or forum, where those unfortunate enough to support Southend United FC, congregate to discuss many things, some of which might occasionally be connected to actual games. Shrimperzone has been in existence for many years, and is by far the finest football message board the world has ever seen.

Ron Martin The Owner and Chairman of Southend United. A local property developer who owns Roots Hall, but purely for the benefit of SUFC. He is: A small but honest business man desperately trying to rescue the club he loves from the Devil Incarnate in the form of Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs/A poisonous little man, bent upon destroying the club so he can build a Supermarket on its ashes/Something in between. Global Warming has been significantly increased by the amount of energy expended by the discussions on his merits (lack of). He has tried over the years to win over the fans by being secretive about his plans, trying to make special friends of some of them by text/email/private meetings, and saying that he has Southend United’s best interests at heart. The fans now see through this strategy and Ron Martin is deeply unpopular with many.

The Consortium This is a group of local property developers who don’t own Roots Hall, but would like to, purely for the benefit of SUFC. Now want to be called “The Blue Knights”, not to be confused with “The Barron Knights” (ask your Granddad). They are: Small but honest Business men desperately trying to rescue the club they love from the Devil Incarnate in the form of Ron Martin/Evil property developers desperate to take over Ron Martin’s lucrative project/Something in between. Global Warming has been significantly increased by the amount of energy expended by the discussions on their merits (ample). They have tried over the years to win over the fans by being secretive about their plans, trying to make special friends of some of them by text/email/private meetings, and saying that they have Southend United’s best interests at heart. The fans are deeply admiring of this strategy and many want the Consortium to take over.
Steve Tilson Former player and then Manager of Southend United. Recently sacked by Ron Martin, Steve has legend status amongst Southend fans, and must be the only manager ever to preside over a slide down two divisions and then have his subsequent dismissal provoke a riot amongst the supporters. Arguably our most successful manager ever, Steve is on gardening leave. This will cause a problem for ‘Zoner’s, because they are used to getting nailed on solid info from people who know people who play golf with him. They are now going to have to cultivate contacts (did you see what I did there?) with people who garden with him, which could be more problematic, as Southend Fa'ns knowledge of gardening is limited to discussions on the merits of half-time pitch watering.

Spin The art of putting your own slant on any event or piece of information. Everything Ron Martin says is “spin”. Everything critical anyone says about Ron Martin is cold hard fact. Anyone who argues otherwise is simply spinning. (Or so far up Ron Martin’s arse you’d need a mine rescue team to get them out).

Fossetts Farm This is a new retail park that Ron Martin hopes to create. It will have a Morrisons, so it will at least have a decent cafe to sit in. Hopefully this will have a view of the 22,000 seater stadium that Ron Martin has promised to build for Southend United. This is a fruitful area of debate - type in “But why do we need 22,000 seats surely 15,000 will be enough” and wait for the Shrimperzone servers to buckle under the strain again. It is the present-day version of the old question “Flavs or Bart?”. The Stadium will be built in the shape of a Shrimp, so any fans lucky enough to arrive by helicopter can be deeply impressed. It has been suggested that a Colossal statue of Steve Tilson should be built outside the new stadium, but it is thought unlikely that it will gain approval from the Rhodes department.

Matt the Shrimp One of the owners of the board. Has a very busy life, when he isn’t being a top Lawyer or standing in for Daniel Radcliffe, he is playing cricket for Essex CCC. Despite all this, he still has time to come on the board regularly to express his continued faith in Ron Martin and urge Shrimperzoners to take a measured and fair approach when discussing him.

Flavs or Bart? Bart.

Wiggy Wiggy is one of the most famous and loved posters on Shrimperzone. His/her/it’s continued optimism and willingness to engage in rational debate have endeared him/her/it to almost all Shrimperzoners, especially Matt the Shrimp who regards Wiggy as second only to Ron Martin in the pantheon of Shrimperzone greats. Often found in the company of Tony the Kray, another perennial optimist, who keeps ‘Zoners hopes up when times are hard.

Mods All owners are mods, but not all mods are owners. They spend a lot of their time discussing the problem of cliques on the board. They do this in a secret forum than no one else can see. When they have finished, the owners (who are all mods) sneak off into a secret secret forum that not even the mods (who aren’t owners) can see, and discuss the problem of cliques some more. They have their own smiley:

but sadly, for “technical reasons” the mods have never managed to add this smiley to the board.

Reputation This is a system for showing approval or lack of approval for other people’s posts. It consists of a tiny red dot or a tiny green dot. Every ‘zoner claims to be indifferent to whether they get a tiny red dot, or a tiny green dot. Until they get a tiny red dot. When this happens, they seek out a mod and complain bitterly about it at great length, though careful at all times to make it clear that it is the comment that has been left with the red dot that is the problem, and not the tiny red dot itself. Mods are thoroughly fed up of complaints about tiny red dots, not least because it interferes with the much more important task of meeting in secret (or secret secret, if you are a Mod and an owner) to discuss cliques. If you ask for Green Rep, you will automatically be given lots of Red Rep. If you ask for Red Rep, you will conversely be given lots of Red Rep. This imbalance I believe explains why there is lots of Matter and very little Anti-Matter in the Universe.

Cliques There are not now, and have never been, any cliques on Shrimperzone.

Red Rep see Ldnfatso

My second ever girlfriend was a Newby. That has nothing to do with Shrimperzone, but a lot to do with my bitter and frustrated nature. Newbies are new members of Shrimperzone. Some Newbies aren’t really newbies at all but are regular ‘Zoners who want a secret second personality. This can be useful for jolly japes such as posting a thread called “Eastwood Signs” which contains a picture of a sign which reads “Eastwood” (get it?). Other useful things your secret persona can do is give your public persona green rep, or give Zoner’s you dislike red rep without risking retaliatory red rep in your turn. Other newbies are people who have been banned by the mods (or owners) (or both) and are trying to sneak back onto the board pretending to be someone else. Some Newbies are Secret Agents with an Agenda who are supporting the Consortium or Ron Martin. ‘Zoner’s who support Ron Martin are very quick to spot Secret Agents of the Consortium, and vice versa, but never the other way around (or is that spin??). Occasionally a Newby will join because he is a) New to the board, and b) Wants to have sensible discussions about the players/management/footballing style of Southend United FC. Why anyone would want to do that when there are far more interesting discussions to be had such as “Red Rep - right or wrong?” “22,000 seats, - right or wrong?” and “Ron Martin - wrong or very wrong” is completely beyond me, and happily most of these time wasters soon get the message and move on.