New ideas for TV shows

[sufcintheprem]

Our five-a-side game at Mile End was one player short tonight so someone suggested having a reality TV show to find an extra player. Part of me found this so funny it needed sharing, part of it is undoubtedly self-indulgent but a big part of me is hopeful of getting more ideas from the good people of SZ. The following appeared in the space of my one hour meeting earlier (!) (in chronological order):

Maybe we could call it "Moment of Huth" presented by Cilla Black and the big man himself

How about The Cesc-factor, hosted by the word's worst dancer and that **** Simon Cowell

Age of Ndlovu? Eager young trainees and cynical ageing journeyman strikers battle it out to impress the former Coventry hitman and finally settle the argument over whether youth or experience is of more use in football.

Bopp Stars - The Rivals, with two teams of workmanlike cloggers fighting it out in front of the ex-Forest duo of Eugen Bopp and 'nasty' Nigel Jemson.

Mile End or Busst

Former Coverntry Legend David Busst runs the rule over young footballers last chance to make anything of themselves as a 5-a-side player in Tower Hamlets

Changing-Pooms .... Ageing Glovesman Mart Poom launches the search for a replacement between the Watford Sticks ... hoofball ability and a strangely ugly appearance are all that are needed...

Living on the Edgehill

Former Man City legend and all round top bloke Richard Edgehill puts wannabe full-backs through their paces in an attempt to find anyone better than he was on Champo circa 97/98. The climax of each episode sees the failing wannabe pushed off the edge of the Kippax Stand roof at Maine Road.

Edinburgh Castle

Like the popular Japanese programme, Takeshi's Castle, but set in former Spurs stalwart and present Grays Athletic boss Justin Edinburgh's back garden.
On the whole the games are completely ripped off the Japanese version but for the final contestants must take the ultimate challenge - to prevent Justin kicking the ball against them to win a goal kick/throw in.

Stuart Nethercott provides amusing commentary.

CastaWreh - Sail by pirate ship to join the one-time Arsenal hotshot
and his band, 'Soul Rebelz' for a jamming competition on a paradise
island 40km offshore from Monrovia. Best musician receives a new
birth certificate from George Weah in a private ceremony.

The Sunday Knight Project

Nigerian Midfield legend Sunday Oliseh and big Villa centre-back Zat Knight talk inane vacuous bull**** with assorted morons VERY LOUDLY and somehow get another series.

America's Next Top Hoddle

A clutch of bright young transatlantic things are herded into a swish
Manhattan penthouse as the tension grows to see who will be seconded
to Blighty to fill that vacant space at Mile End. The lucky winner is
the one candidate not to have had his eyes scratched out by desperate
counterparts or their friends/mothers/lovers.

Makin' your mind up

Functional full-back Chris Makin is joined by ex-Bucks Fizz starlet Cheryl Baker as they host a talent show to decide who is the most suitable player to fill the last available place in 5 a side.

Ross Kemp in Adebayor

Paul's Mersonaries

Former Arsenal player Paul Merson gathers a posse of the unemployed immigrants to perform odd jobs for cash in a vain attempt to get enough money to move out of his parent's house

Family Fortunes.

Former Manchester United mega-star Quinton Fortune hosts a quiz show in which families compete against one another and attempt to name top five public responses to footballing categories such as "Premiership rapists" and "Homosexual goalkeepers".

Eric Djemba Djemba is pencilled in to sit in the car which can be won and wave at opportune moments.

Giulywedds

France's smallest player Ludovic Giuly and former Bradford hero Gareth Edds are joined by Stephen Fry in a programme following the married lives of three young hopeful professionals from Cheltenham. Viewers vote at the end to decide which lucky couple get to pack their bags for the smoggy mile end air and which face a lifetime shovelling manure.

(Rival show Gloucester Oster expected soon)

Cruyff Swap - baldy Man United reject Jordi Cruyff hosts a show where managers from two very different clubs swap jobs for a fortnight. Sparks will fly when Barry Fry puts his new rules in place at Roy Keane's Sunderland.

(warning - contains footage of a fat old man urinating on a corner flag that some people may find distressing).

 

[Vange Shrimper]

They are very good, actually!! :D

 

[Beefy]

Alan Attack. Like the Cook Report but a more slap-stick approach.

Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank

Monkey tennis?

 

[SUBBlue]

Alan Attack. Like the Cook Report but a more slap-stick approach.

Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank

Monkey tennis?

Brilliant!:hilarious:

How about Inner City Sumo? Fat people in nappies chucking each other out of a chalk circle in a pub car park- very cheap to make

 

[Beefy]

If you don't do it, Sky will.

 

[sufcintheprem]

A Partridge amongst the Pigeons?

It's just a title...

 

[blues_r_best]

How do you solve a problem like Ali Dia?

Graeme Souness hosts a show of young footballers fighting for one lucrative contract, the twist is that they are reportedly cousins of already established famous footballers.

 

[South Bank Hank]

Monkey Magic

A footballing reality show hosted by Kevin Maher in which professional footballers compete for the prize of 'best keepie upper of keepie ups'. Maximum points scored if the skill involves a sideways shuffle. Lots of arguments ensue with the contestants.

Garden Shears

Former Barcodes favourite and England leading light, Alan Shearer, hosts this show for all fans of things green-fingered with a look at the finest gardens in Newcastle and Blackburn. Best marks go to gardens which are devoid of personality, but otherwise quite good.

Wig Brother

Another reality game show in which ShrimperZone's very own uber-babe gives overly harsh ratings to footballer's brothers (with unnaturally high marks for smaller brothers who wear gloves). The show culminates in the introduction of new parents for the footballer and their brother as their own parents have lost the plot and taken their kids as far as they can go.

 

[SUFC_Al]

Changing Broomes

Marlon Broomes hosts a show not of the decorating ilk, but instead a showcase of the various types of brooms. From the Soft broom and handle with 12" extended pole to the long handled dustpan and broom combo, it's a must for all those interested in the cleaning utensils that are necessary in every household.

A true classic.

 

[EastStandBlue]

Pimp My Ryce

Jamal Campbell-Ryce presents this show where he offers to change the lives of people with sh*t cars... Only to drive them around a bit and ultimately offer an end product once every 10 shows.

Eastwood-enders

A docu-soap following the trials and tribulations of promising footballer Freddy Eastwood. Falls out with manager, smacks a few people in a nightclub, then ends up owning a Fruit and Veg stall in an East London Market failing to take responsibility for his baby he had with a strangely ugly girl who could play the trumpet.

 

[number11]

Beauty and the Uhlenbeek - Former Ipswich star Gus, and his classic Ipswich side of the late 90's, dates an assortment of lovelies.

3-2-Wanchope - Ted Rogers and his amusing sidekick Paulo 'Dusty' Wanchope set random riddles for the public to solve...

CatchPage - Welsh international Robert Page gets contestants guessing well known catchphrases...

You've been Ephraim'ed - QPR youngster shows viewers 'amusing' videos or animals dancing and the like.

BullsSKY - Jim Bowen (or maybe Mark Bowen) presents as amateur dartists try to win a speed boat. Filming to take place in Oceana, Asia and the Americas....

Candid Camara - former Liverpool hitman, Titi, and journeyman Henri play practical jokes on the unsuspecting public. Not to be confused with Watch Out (Peter) Beadle's about.

 

[OldBlueLady]

Eastwood-enders

A docu-soap following the trials and tribulations of promising footballer Freddy Eastwood. Falls out with manager, smacks a few people in a nightclub, then ends up owning a Fruit and Veg stall in an East London Market failing to take responsibility for his baby he had with a strangely ugly girl who could play the trumpet.

Like this one! :hilarious:

 

[EastStandBlue]

Lost

4 Men find themselves in an eerie place. Boxed in by 4 strange constructs, they discover this place is not what it seems. There are strange white lines painted on the floor, a box filled with netting protected by a dwarf and, once every other week, their home becomes an arena for a brutish ceremony... Forcing them to run away and hide. The mens names? Lewis Hunt, Adam Barrett, Peter Clarke and Charlie Mulgrew.

 

[sufcintheprem]

Good efforts!

:D

 

[Pubey]

Cashley In The Attic
Team based quiz show where participants must empty their belongings from the attic, before being chased out of the house by a broom-wielding member of Girls Aloud

Gordon Strachan's Kitchen Nightmares - Scotland
Our favourite pint-sized ginger sets out on a mission to rid Scotland of flagging eateries. Using a mixture of swearing, bullying and some of his recepies... can Gordon revive the restaurant fortunes and give them a good kick up the haggis!?

 

[blues_r_best]

The King and I

Marlon King and one lucky contestant travel to 1860's Siam to look after some kids and sing songs.

 

[blues_r_best]

The Brady Bunch

Karen Brady stars in this programme, seeing how many ways she can whore herself out in order to attract footballers and managers to the sleeping giant, Birmingham City.

 

[Pubey]

Boumsongs of Praise
World class defender and French International Jean-Alain Boumsong presents a Sunday evening service from a different church each week... reflecting in the praise being offered to him above, much like he used to receive from the Toon Army

 

[number11]

Tugay or not Tugay....

Turkish midfielders are invited to sample an array of homes before deciding which one they would buy....

The Kevin Kyle Show - The former Sunderland goal machine host as former teammates come clean and debate affairs, paternity suites and roastings...

CountDowning - Stewart 'Twice Nightly' Downing hosts as contestants solve a number of word and number games. Karel Poborsky is his able assistant.

TopGera - WBA winger Zoltan Gera test drives a number of sports cars and Chelsea tractors, and generally mocks the rest of Europe. Co hosted by Nicky Hammond and David May.

 

[Pubey]

CountDowning - Stewart 'Twice Nightly' Downing hosts as contestants solve a number of word and number games. Karel Poborsky is his able assistant.

genius!!!!:D