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SZ's Official Accountant⭐
Sep 25, 2005
Basildon, Essex
Found this on another forum, had me in stitches!

Dear All

I thought I would share my ongoing, and unresolved, problems with Vodafone in case anyone had never used their crummy tax-avoiding service before. In summary, I have spoken to a total of 14 (forteen) different customer services individuals over nearly 4 hours on the phone (thus far), and have attended my local branch 3 times, spending nearly 2 hours there.

On 8th June I took out a SIM only contract online, to replace my Tesco Mobile contract. The SIM arrived on 11th June. I requested to 'port' my Tesco business number of 6 years on the 12th, which was competed on the 13th. I soon found the reception to be poor in my flat despite testing it with a PAYG SIM previously, and noticed my new SIM could make outgoing calls, but not receive any incoming calls or texts.

On 14t June I phoned customer services, and spoke to the keen but baffled Nancy at customer services. Apparently, they had no record of my new phone number, and my contract appeared to be already closed. Nancy assumed it may be a porting issue given my inability to receive calls, so transferred me to Porting.

At Porting lives Kirty. Whisper quiet, and barely comprehendable, I only had to strain my ears for 30 seconds or so as she speedily and efficiently concludes that this matter is nothing to do with her, and is beyond her skills to heal. I am then spirited to Cancellations.

Cancellations is inhabited by Jay. I picture Jay with spiky gelled black hair, gold chain, and 10 year old modified BMW M-sport. Yep, Jay is a rude-bwoay. He is also keen to avoid litigation, reciting no fewer than 3 times that my call is being recorded for quality and training purposes. Lack-a-daisical Jay says that my account is already cancelled - hence his powers are useless here. He sounds disbelieving that I am able to make phonecalls on my SIM, and am actually talking to him on said SIM and "cancelled" account. No, this is a matter for Customer Services.

So, Jay puts me through to Nora in billing (rather than customer services - he must have changed his mind). Unfortunately, I don't have a bill, nor a tariff, or any charges. It's also just turned 8pm - home time for the Vodafone telehelp team. Nora informs me that it is now after 8pm, that she "wants to go home", and subsequently hangs up on me. Never mind, I've been on the phone for 58 minutes and have grown weary myself.

The 15th June brings fresh optimism and belief that a reinvigorated Vodafone telehelp team bright and fresh from recuperating, will resolve my problem.

I phone again, and speak to Ahmed in customer services. Ahmed is a 0/10 for effort and 5/10 attainment kind of guy. When I say 5/10 for attainment, this basically involves putting me on hold whilst he reads the notes, realises this is beyond him, and redirects me randomly to someone else in Customer Services. Not a manager. Not a supervisor. Just someone else.

This turns out to be the well spoken, empathetic, and experienced sounding Yvonne. Each spoken word down her headset, and indeed her very voice, instills confidence in her ability. I feel glad I've landed at her. Yvonne goes to great length exploring the notes and speaking to other departments whilst I'm on hold, whilst intermittently letting me know she's still there. A class act. Unfortunately the quest of cancelling my contract and giving me a PAC code is also beyond her. It's approaching 8pm on a friday, so she will leave a reminder on her desk and chase things up again on monday when she starts work at 11am. She promises she will email me on monday whilst I'm at work (given I can't receive any incoming calls...). After all, 35 minutes on the phone clearly isn't enough to cancel a contract and receive a PAC code.

A weekend using my invisible vodafone SIM for unlimited outgoing calls, and my mum's old Nokia brick for incoming calls, passes uneventfully. No drunken debauchery here I'll have you know.

Monday - a work day. I return home at 7pm, have a quick dinner, then resume my vodafone tele-quest having received no emails from Yvonne. I speak to Wadwa in customer services. Wadwa tries to convince me that my contract and account is definitely cancelled, and doesnt appear on her screen. Despite telling her that I attended my local Vodafone branch last week, and saw all my details on their screen (including the 'Open' account), she doesn't believe me. She does give me the "100% guarantee" that if I left it with her, I will have a PAC code tomorrow. Unfortunately, this involves sitting in at home on my day off from 8am to 8pm for her to phone me on the landline. A full days work, and 45 minutes with vodafone tonight, has dampened my resolve for the time being though.

Tomorrow comes. I thought it never would. I phone again, at 2pm not being prepared to stay home for a further 6 hours. I speak to Kathleen in customer services. This is a matter for disconnections though. Enter Arfan. Arfan seems to have more technical expertise, and indeed manages to seemingly disconnect my line and account whilst I am speaking to him on my mobile. No bars, no network coverage, no contract with aVoidafone. RIP. I'm happy. Except that he forgot the PAC code...

Never mind, I'm half way there. I phone customer services again, and ask to be put back to Arfan, given he's managed to fix half of my issue. Unfortunately they're not allowed to redirect calls. But they know someone who can - Mina.

Mina is plucky, and not put off at my frustation of being the 12th person I have spoken to thus far. All she needs is my full name, first line of my address, post-code, and date of... I know the routine by now, thanks very much Mina. Mina puts me on hold, looks into things, and returns giving me her personal assurances that she will "assume control" of the situation, and phone me back. Not to worry, a "case investigation" is under way by the resident Vodafone super-sleuths. This may take several hours. I've now spent 3 hours and 17 minutes on the phone. I'm not prepared to wait. Mina offers to put me on hold for the next "few hours". My already frayed relationship with Vodafone rapidly goes downhill, and we lose our connection.

What to do now? Let's try the local branch again. After all, all I'm wanting is to cancel my account and get a PAC code. 25 minutes later - it's all been fixed, thanks to the senior store manager, and Joel in the South Yorkshire customer services branch. I'll receive a PAC code texted to my mum's Nokia brick in the next few minutes.

The store manager is relieved too, having been getting annoyed with aVoidafone himself. Especially as he had to leave the shop floor to "shout at" the person at the other end of the line, as they'd cancelled my account, and given my business number of 6 years to someone else!!! Fortunately, said someone else happened to share the same surname as me. Should be easy to track. Also shared the same first name, and lives with me apparently. Oh wait, it's me....

My faith in Vodafone in-store staff remains high, with their friendly and professional service. I am a little suprised that one member of staff reveals that he used to work at Vodafone customer services and, quote, "the department policy was that if you get a call that's too complicated, then we were told to either pass it to a supervisor so it can be passed onto Head Office, or if there were no supervisors available, to hang up on the customer. I hated it there". Wow.

I wander home, glad it's over. 3 hours and 42 minutes is all it took. Now to check my mum's phone...

2 hours later - no text? I decide this surely is a matter of Joel simply forgetting to text me, and the PAC code will be on the system. Sama in customer services can just read it out to me, right? Sadly not - the 'case investigation' has been "erased". She puts me on hold, having checked my full name, first line of my address... you get the picture. 20 minutes on hold, and I've had enough. I'm off back to the store. Clock watch - 3 hours 37 minutes on the phone, and 35 minutes in store.

Back in the store, they can't get Joel in South Yorkshire either. Things are escalated to Head Office. Unfortunately, Head Office don't give out their phone number. To anyone. Including their own staff. So it'll have to be an email. Hopefully they'll read it before 7pm. Store manager is doing his best though, and spends 1 hour 5 mins on the phone. Mostly on hold, I would add... The store closes, but he battles on. Head Office's system is 1 hour behind the rank-and-file's system though, and they still seem to think my number is with Tesco, that the world's flat, and Britain's Booming... The manager corrects her regarding my network provider, as I phone my mum's brick with my vodafone SIM in front of him. The store manager's done all he can after 65 minutes. Thoroughly nice bloke though.

I get back home. I've had enough. Maybe I'll just keep this invisible SIM that doesn't have an account, and make free calls the rest of my life. All I need is another phone to receive incoming calls... Anyway, the England game is on. I've spent 3 hours and 37 minutes on the phone to a total of 14 different voices, and 1 hour 40 minutes in branch over 3 separate occasions.

Julie in sales will phone me tomorrow mind....


I used to play a little.
Oct 24, 2003
:clap: :hilarious:

What a brave man! I enjoy the tone of his write up! Sounds very similar to my in house experience of technology issues at my own work place!


Happy Friday!

Dick Bate's Protege

Minister for Equality
Apr 20, 2009
In a Tory Wonderland
I feel his pain, I've been going toe to toe with Argos for a fortnight now. I've managed to locate the email address of their CEO, a Mr Keith Duddy. I'm going to have a lot of fun playing around with his surname throughout my letter of complaint.