I've just applied for the Blackburn job.
Dear Sirs
Having watched events at your club unfold this year, I feel the time is right to formally contact Blackburn Rovers with an application for the vacant managerial role.
Let me dive right in and say from the off that I am a solid 'yes' man who will administer said managerial duties to your exacting desire. You are clearly on a dreadful run of luck, with the five free thinkers you've employed this season making a mockery, in my opinion, of modern football management. Feel comforted that I have never had a thought in my life that wasn't first approved by my mother or lately; my wife.
But I digress, and talk is cheap. Let us rush into my managerial experience with gay abandon. I have held only one job in football management (loyalty), a three year stint at Mid Essex Division Two outfit; Horndon-on-the-Hill. I might add, Horndon were languishing in Division Three when I initially came to the role (by way of our ex player manager having resigned mid match after beating up our left back). A good man, no doubt, but the poor chap was just not up to the pressures of Mid Essex football.
When I took the reins at Horndon, we were an elderly side, with 12/16 of our squad well into their thirties, and one fella (Gary) still embracing a rotational role at the age of Sixty two. Football is a young man's game, and with this in mind, I was forced from the off to dabble in the transfer market. Having played out the remainder of the first season to an honourable mid table finish, I set about the revolution of turning this team into a young, mean, lean fighting machine by calling as many of my mates in their early twenties as possible and cruelly blackmailing them into playing for me; for like Sir Alex, victory is my only concern, personal feelings are for losers.
Now I can almost hear you saying to yourself, 'Dave, how did you manage to get rid of all that dead wood in your squad free of cost?' Easy, I changed my phone number, and only gave it to the few oldies I wanted to keep; Gary included. For, as well as youth, a little experience is essential when building a non league dynasty.
Having put the majority of my squad together with no cost, I set about putting trophies in the club house Argos cabinet ASAP. Still feeling a couple of players short, I targeted Cup success as the quickest way to glory and in turn attracting more players befitting my standards. To my surprise we ripped the league apart in the first three months, spearheaded by Serbian wizard, Denis (he wasn't actually a bona fide wizard to the best of my knowledge). We played a revolutionary 3-2-3-2 formation, with the ability to switch to 4-4-2 and more rigidity at five minutes notice. Along with league dominance we also breezed through the early rounds of the Essex Cup and the inferior League Cup. Essex domination proved a step too far on this occasion and we roundly taken down by some inbred team from Colchester.
Our league form continued unabated until February, when we met title challengers (name forgotten), in a violent encounter that we managed to win 6-2. I knew I'd prepared the team well, but was still amazed at our brilliance on the day. The problem with this game, came not in the result, but in manner in which the opposing teams right back literally tried to bite the ears off several of my players during an old fashioned 'all off' after the final whistle. We were never the same team after that horrifying day; thoughts of which still chill my blood.
We scrapped home to promotion as runners up, missing out on the title on the final day of the season to our aforementioned rivals 8-0. Unsurprisingly we were nursing several injuries that week and I was forced to play Gary left wing, in a sacrificial lamb type role, against the most violent right back ever to grace the game. A League Cup Final appearance added to what had been a successful first full season in management.
The next season was strictly a case of finding our feet in a league somewhat stronger than the one below. Although being in the top four for a great deal of the season, we couldn't quite make it over the line. It was at this point that, utterly exhausted, like Pep Guardiola, I felt the time was right to take a sabbatical and spend more time with my family; whilst exploring art and culture in order to come back a better, shrewder man manager.
In terms of transfer kitty, I wont require a hefty budget, preferring instead to inspire local young talent with the majesty of my cultural knowledge. I'd be happy to work for £5,000 per week in an effort to trim club costs and therefore make it easier to keep ticket prices down for the people who make football what it is; corporate day trippers.
My only request at this stage is that you reply to this application between the hours of 6-8AM, for it will make it easier to keep it from my wife. I've yet to break the news to her that we may be relocating to Lancashire in the new future.
If I should be successful in this application, I will be available to start the day after the final game of this season, for I will accept no unnecessary relegations on my CV. Also, I won't be able to keep David Dunn. It's a policy of mine never to field a player most famous for tripping over a ball whilst attempting to be a flash *******.
Yours Faithfully
David Laurie