Slipperduke
The Camden Cad
Dear BT,
I think we need to talk.
I've been thinking about this a long time and I've come to the conclusion that...well, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Look, don't get upset. It's not me, it's you.
Do you remember when we first met? I'll save you the trouble of looking it up. It was July 19. It seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it? I wanted to find a reputable company to supply me with broadband and our eyes met across the advertising supplements of the Sunday broadsheets. I called the number on your website and we spoke for the first time.
Oh, you were so charming. You offered me wireless broadband at an affordable price and I was smitten. You swept me off my feet with your cavalier charm. "Don't worry, Slipperduke, it's really easy to set up," you told me in your soft, but commanding voice.
Then on the 21st of July, my Wireless Router arrived at my house Oh, I thought it was the start of something special, but looking back it was just the start of a nightmare. I should have known something was wrong right from the start. I plugged the router in just the way you told me and waited to enter the exciting new world of the interweb. But nothing happened.
I figured that my 'switch-on date' hadn't come round yet and I waited patiently. Oh, how I wanted things to work out between us. Perhaps I wanted it too much. The heart can be blind sometimes, can't it?
On the 29th of July, a Saturday as I recall, I woke up really early. I called you again. I just wanted to hear your voice, I suppose, but you weren't there. I got stuck somewhere in your system and ended up talking to someone called Waffa in India. I like to think he was the boss, because that would make him Waffa the Gaffer.
Waffa was very nice, but he wasn't you. After 35mins, he came to the conclusion that there was a problem at BT's end and that he would pass my complaint on to another department and that someone would get in touch in 24 hours.
But you never called.
On Wednesday, August 2, I called again. I spoke to someone on the sales department and told her my problem. She put me on hold for an hour. Forgive me, but I wrote some angry emails saying hurtful things. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you, but you hurt me first and I lashed out.
Finally someone got in touch to tell me that Thursday, August 3 would be the day that our love would be consumated.
I was so excited that I took a day off work in order to ensure that I'd be by the phone. Someone called Steven from India called and spent 45 minutes telling me to plug things in and plug things out. Then he told me that there was a problem at BT's end and that he would pass my complaint on to another department and that someone would get in touch in 24 hours. The real bombshell came when he told me that my Wireless Router wasn't actually wireless. You'd sent me the wrong unit! Don't you respect me, if not as a customer then just as a person? What's the point of a Router that isn't wireless? I told you I had a laptop!
I bought myself two tubs of ice-cream and cried myself to sleep that night.
On Friday, August 4, I received a call from another member of your support team in India. He spent another half an hour telling me to plug things in and plug things out. Then he told me to start unscrewing the socket for my phoneline in search of a, "secret socket."
You'll never guess what his conclusion was? There was a problem at BT's end and he'd pass my complaint on to another department and someone would get in touch in 24 hours.
Well, it's now lunchtime on Monday, August 7. I note with some amusement that you've charged me £25 for my non-wireless Wireless Router. I warn you that I will not be so amused if I find out that you've charged me for a month of non-existent broadband.
I think it's best if we go our seperate ways now. I feel I've given you every opportunity to change, but you just won't, will you? I hope you find someone who will make you happy in the future.
Please can you give me an address for me to send your stuff back. I've got a BT Router and some cables, your pants and a Radiohead album.
Please put the money you owe me back in my account and if you even think for a moment of charging me for the first month, so help me God, I'll break into your house and cut up your suits.
Take care,
Slipperduke
I think we need to talk.
I've been thinking about this a long time and I've come to the conclusion that...well, I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Look, don't get upset. It's not me, it's you.
Do you remember when we first met? I'll save you the trouble of looking it up. It was July 19. It seems like such a long time ago, doesn't it? I wanted to find a reputable company to supply me with broadband and our eyes met across the advertising supplements of the Sunday broadsheets. I called the number on your website and we spoke for the first time.
Oh, you were so charming. You offered me wireless broadband at an affordable price and I was smitten. You swept me off my feet with your cavalier charm. "Don't worry, Slipperduke, it's really easy to set up," you told me in your soft, but commanding voice.
Then on the 21st of July, my Wireless Router arrived at my house Oh, I thought it was the start of something special, but looking back it was just the start of a nightmare. I should have known something was wrong right from the start. I plugged the router in just the way you told me and waited to enter the exciting new world of the interweb. But nothing happened.
I figured that my 'switch-on date' hadn't come round yet and I waited patiently. Oh, how I wanted things to work out between us. Perhaps I wanted it too much. The heart can be blind sometimes, can't it?
On the 29th of July, a Saturday as I recall, I woke up really early. I called you again. I just wanted to hear your voice, I suppose, but you weren't there. I got stuck somewhere in your system and ended up talking to someone called Waffa in India. I like to think he was the boss, because that would make him Waffa the Gaffer.
Waffa was very nice, but he wasn't you. After 35mins, he came to the conclusion that there was a problem at BT's end and that he would pass my complaint on to another department and that someone would get in touch in 24 hours.
But you never called.
On Wednesday, August 2, I called again. I spoke to someone on the sales department and told her my problem. She put me on hold for an hour. Forgive me, but I wrote some angry emails saying hurtful things. I wouldn't ever want to hurt you, but you hurt me first and I lashed out.
Finally someone got in touch to tell me that Thursday, August 3 would be the day that our love would be consumated.
I was so excited that I took a day off work in order to ensure that I'd be by the phone. Someone called Steven from India called and spent 45 minutes telling me to plug things in and plug things out. Then he told me that there was a problem at BT's end and that he would pass my complaint on to another department and that someone would get in touch in 24 hours. The real bombshell came when he told me that my Wireless Router wasn't actually wireless. You'd sent me the wrong unit! Don't you respect me, if not as a customer then just as a person? What's the point of a Router that isn't wireless? I told you I had a laptop!
I bought myself two tubs of ice-cream and cried myself to sleep that night.
On Friday, August 4, I received a call from another member of your support team in India. He spent another half an hour telling me to plug things in and plug things out. Then he told me to start unscrewing the socket for my phoneline in search of a, "secret socket."
You'll never guess what his conclusion was? There was a problem at BT's end and he'd pass my complaint on to another department and someone would get in touch in 24 hours.
Well, it's now lunchtime on Monday, August 7. I note with some amusement that you've charged me £25 for my non-wireless Wireless Router. I warn you that I will not be so amused if I find out that you've charged me for a month of non-existent broadband.
I think it's best if we go our seperate ways now. I feel I've given you every opportunity to change, but you just won't, will you? I hope you find someone who will make you happy in the future.
Please can you give me an address for me to send your stuff back. I've got a BT Router and some cables, your pants and a Radiohead album.
Please put the money you owe me back in my account and if you even think for a moment of charging me for the first month, so help me God, I'll break into your house and cut up your suits.
Take care,
Slipperduke