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Thorpe Groyney

Open your mind
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
2,389
Location
Surely it's plain to see?
I'm just in from my daily walk. Despite the cold my face is burning up. Although the wander was a modest one, to Southchurch Park, the seafront and then back home, my body aches all over and I'm far too tired for a bloke of my age to be.

You see, people, I have cancer - and I'm fare more unhappy about life than I should be.

It started last summer when I inexplicably soiled myself at work. Humiliated, I simply cleaned myself up, made a joke of it, then thought no more about it. As the weeks wore on, though, I felt worse and worse. I had some blood tests done. The docs said I had an abnormally low white blood cell count, but that wasn't uncommon, and they gave me some medication.

Still the health deteriorated. I felt more lethargic, more achy across the body. I started to soil myself more frequently, on one horrible occasion in front of my son. It must have been far more dreadful for him to see his father in that state though.

I still thought no more about it. I was passing my bodily fluids without pain, although a nagging ache around the stomach seemed to have taken up permanent residency. Then over Christmas whatever I was passing was coloured reindeer-nose red. This time I had a cat scan and other needles inserting somewhere you don't want to know. It was then confirmed. A coule of cancerous growths in the bladder.


I, though, am one of the lucky ones. They've been found in time to have them removed completely and 3-monthly check-ups will ensure I can live a normal life sooner rather than later. My op is next Tuesday. They insert a needle into my groin, stick in a tube, remove the tumours, then cauterise it all. Nice. I'm so looking forward to it, though, as the alternative is pushing up the daisies a lot sooner than desired.

In the meantime I've been given more and more medicines, pills and potions. I counted the different forms I haf to take first thing in the morning today. It totalled 13. I'll soon be getting birthday cards from Glaxo.

What I have noticed, though, since the diagnosis, is a change in personality, attitudes and day-to-day living. Take today for instance. Within 10 minutes I felt like being sick. There was pain across the intestines, across my arm joints. When I stopped walking I was perspiring heavily. An old man, after I started wandering again, walked right across my path. Normally, I would have been annoyed at someone being that selfish but now I couldn't walk as fast as him. Last summer I was walking a minimum of 12 miles a day. Minimum. Now a 20 minute ramble takes me nearer 50.

I am also now , well I wouldn't say unpleasant to be around, but I'm a lot more difficult to be with. I know it, too, but the worst thing is I don't care. I snap at people a lot. I'm more intolerant of others behaviour and opinions. If I upset someone I don't give a damn. At night, my dreams have become dark and disturbing.

There's also the more worrying traits of everyday living. I have to take spare underwear everywhere I go now. I make a lot more spelling mistakes on here and when I'm writing for the Basildon programme (the spell-check is a Godsend) - it's taken me twice as long to write this than I would normally do. I think of one thing to write in my head then what comes out is a totally different word or sentence.

The other day I was queuing for drinks. When I got to the till I suddenly 'remembered' that I'd forgotten to draw out the money to pay for it. I couldn't even remember the word 'laptop' for a good minute or so, despite being in PC world. In fact I struggled to remember it now.

It does lead me to wonder why this has all happened - not the cancer, I can deal with that, no problem - but the falling away of my personality and the ability to do simple everyday tasks. Is a side effect of the Big C becoming a big c yourself? Is it the medicines doing this to me? Or am I just a nasty, miserable, selfish soul and it took something like this to bring out the bad in me.

All I know at the moment is that I can't wait for next Tuesday to come around. Not just to remove a couple of bits of my body I don't want or need, but I can't stand the person I'm turning into and want to see if and when my old self returns.

Until then, if you see me walking around Southchurch Park, you're probably best to give me a wide berth.

 

fredheim_holm

Where art thou Tes
Joined
Mar 3, 2006
Messages
8,145
Location
London
That sounds dreadful mate. Heads up though, I wish you all the best for the future, hopefully the operation goes well.
 

MK Shrimper

Well-known member
Joined
Aug 6, 2005
Messages
52,348
Echo what Fred says. I think it's understandable that you're mood has changed. I'm sure you'll come out the other side and think "oh you silly sod" and have a good laugh.
 

OldBlueLady

Junior Blues Coordinator⭐
Joined
Dec 27, 2007
Messages
48,102
Location
Benfleet
I really seriously admire your strength in making this post, and hope that this subject is treated with the respect it deserves.

Is a side effect of the Big C becoming a big c yourself? Is it the medicines doing this to me? Or am I just a nasty, miserable, selfish soul and it took something like this to bring out the bad in me.

There can be many reasons for the apparent change, but age makes us naturally more cantankerous and forgetful anyway! I often go to buy something having forgotten to get the cash I needed out beforehand, and also have complete mental blocks on seemingly simple words or actions. I really wouldn't be reading too much into it, however, it's quite possible that the medication is having some effects as you describe as well, so maybe it's a combination of the two.

Don't be putting yourself down, I wish you well in your battle. I found out only the other day that my daughter's Brownie leader - who she thought the world of - just discovered she has breast cancer. Terrible ordeal for the sufferers and their families to go through, seriously, all the best and keep strong and active.
 

andrew_sthnd

Coach
Joined
Apr 17, 2005
Messages
682
I'm not sure really how to reply but the fact that you are recognising that you are changing and are talking about it is a huge positive. I have known far too many people who have been ill with cancer and really wish you all the best in your recovery. It may not be easy but you may want to talk to someone face to face about this. If you aren't comfortable doing this with your family there are many support channels within the NHS as well as other groups you can turn to.

I really hope you a full and speedy recovery, all the best mate.
 

Desert Shrimper

The Oil Baron
Joined
Jan 13, 2005
Messages
2,152
Location
Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates
[
Until then, if you see me walking around Southchurch Park, you're probably best to give me a wide berth.

[/I][/COLOR]

I think we'd all turn into a bit of a **** with all that you've had to take on the chin and that kind of cocktail of drugs inside us. I also think it's better to get angry, to confront what's going on head first and not let it beat you than to curl up into a ball - good on you. Keep going mate, I wish you all the very best in the world and I'm sure everyone else on here does. You have big balls and you're going to come out the other end of this a wiser man knowing you can take anything that life throws at you....

Smudger
 

osymandus

Life President
Joined
Jan 20, 2007
Messages
5,352
Location
Here there everywhere
top man top post mine and birris dad is having chemo at the moment and we know how brilliant the Nhs are all the best and the dark dreams write them down and read them its your mind dealing with it
 

BrettieAngell

THE ROCK GOD
Joined
Oct 26, 2003
Messages
19,642
Location
Southend
Hope the op goes well fella and you make a full recovery, it must be hard to deal with so dont be too harsh on yourself!
 
Joined
Jul 12, 2005
Messages
22,733
Location
Canvey Island
I can only echo the other posts, and it certainly puts our minor gripes into perspective. It's great that you have maintained your humour and all very best wishes for the op and the future.
 
Joined
Oct 18, 2008
Messages
4,534
Good luck on tuesday S.G. heres hoping that you dont need it, i had a writer for wts that had the big c and he wrote a article weekly giving a insight in to the trails and tribs of the big struggle.
You are a very good writer that seems able to express himself well with words so maybe you could write a sticky on here,makes other rubbish on here pale away to its true meaning.
If you need a break sometime there is a barn you can kip in out here in rural france anytime.And this post deffo needs a poll of some sorts.
Good luck and if you have a god then i hope he blesses you.
 
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BLUEBLOOD

Moderator of Moderators
Joined
Sep 22, 2005
Messages
16,223
Location
Southend On Sea
Good luck on tuesday G.S. heres hoping that you dont need it, i had a writer for wts that had the big c and he wrote a article weekly giving a insight in to the trails and tribs of the big struggle.
You are a very good writer that seems able to express himself well with words so maybe you could write a sticky on here,makes other rubbish on here pale away to its true meaning.
If you need a break sometime there is a barn you can kip in out here in rural france anytime.And this post deffo needs a poll of some sorts.
Good luck and if you have a god then i hope he blesses you.

Good heads up about Roger there Tony, nice one
 

Rob Noxious

Retro Supremo⭐
Joined
Oct 23, 2008
Messages
7,381
Location
Penzance
I've only been on here a short while, SG, but I've come to enjoy your posts immensely and tend to reply to them if I can think of something maybe along their lines that might resonate with what you've said. Today, however, I salute your 'upfront-ness' and wish you the very best for next week and beyond. I hope that things go as well as possible and that you'll be rediscovering your old self before you're tempted to give that old geezer a tackle from behind. Take care and all good ones...
 
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A Century United

Firewalking for HD
Joined
Jan 26, 2007
Messages
10,004
Guy who ran the local garage here had exactly the same as you, had to have the same treatment you are having/going to have, and came out completely clear at the end of it.

It is a helluva shock to find yourself in your position, and that combined with finding yourself unable to cope with things you didn't even have to think about in the past and having to take a cocktail of drugs is more than enough to explain your current foul mood. Don't beat yourself up over it, but do talk to the doctor about it. When the op is over and you can see signs of getting back to your old self, your mood will change to match. In the meantime feel free to take it out on any visiting Ewes/O's!
 

OldBlueLady

Junior Blues Coordinator⭐
Joined
Dec 27, 2007
Messages
48,102
Location
Benfleet
I remember when I started at Westcliff, during an RS (as it was back then) lesson, the teacher saying something which stuck with me then and I've never forgotten. To a class of 30 girls, she said, one in four of you will have cancer at some stage in your life - we all looked round the class thinking, 7 or 8 of us. It was a really frightening and daunting prospect.

Whether that statistic has changed much over the years, I'm not too sure. I often think I wonder what we would find if we ever managed a whole class reunion.

My purpose in posting this is that there are very few who have been fortunate enough to have had no contact with cancer in themselves or their loved ones and one stage or another during their lives. I hope the messages of support from people who are probably largely unknown to you have given you some courage and compulsion to beat the bugger!
 

Thorpe Groyney

Open your mind
Joined
Nov 20, 2008
Messages
2,389
Location
Surely it's plain to see?
Thank you for the kind messages, sentiments and PM's, I will taking them all with me. Although I do hate you all at the moment.

The condition itself I can deal with quite easily, there's billions in a far worse state than me, and I know that it's not terminal even if interferes with day-to-day living. It's the change in myself as a person I've found more difficult to come to terms with. I'm genuinely not nearly as decent a bloke as I was a few months ago.

The upside to this, howvever, is that when I'm up in court for inserting a Col Ewe fan up the backside of a Borient fan, I can claim it was the drugs, as well as being the decent thing to do. Steve Lamacq and Steve Davis had better watch out .....
 
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