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A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the
Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Thursday with its epicentre
in Basildon.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the
Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt
out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giros

Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered
and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something
interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a
15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two,
Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at
Argos and Bone China from Poundland.


This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps
Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
Shell suits (female)
White sport socks
Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals
Tins of baked beans
Ice cream
Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.

And money.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop.

"Where are you bleeding from?" they asked,

"Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"

This joke pops up same time every year...

You trying to tell us its the hurricane season, John?!

BTW, it was awful the first time I heard it...........about 8 years ago. Keep up John :p