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Harold Bishop Killer

Got bummed around Aus
Joined
May 7, 2008
Messages
4,600
Location
Hullbridge/Southend
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.
ESCAPEE

Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

**** BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the **** Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential **** Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential **** Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A **** that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
 

Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,369
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
In reference to the Uncle Ted one, I find it better to lay some loo roll over the water as I take a dump to reduce the noise the fecker makes when it hits the water, thus drawing little to no attention :)
 

sosman

Youth Team
Joined
Mar 18, 2007
Messages
190
In reference to the Uncle Ted one, I find it better to lay some loo roll over the water as I take a dump to reduce the noise the fecker makes when it hits the water, thus drawing little to no attention :)

Did you get that idea from Ben Elton? He mentioned the practice in one of his stand-ups many years ago. "I'd rather die than let anyone hear my splash."
 

SUBBlue

Manager
Joined
Jul 14, 2004
Messages
1,834
In reference to the Uncle Ted one, I find it better to lay some loo roll over the water as I take a dump to reduce the noise the fecker makes when it hits the water, thus drawing little to no attention :)

There are 4 basic rules I follow when dropping one at work.
I think of them as my 'Splinter Cell' rules as they require stealth & a measure of diversionary tactics in order to achieve the end goal.

1) Aim for the end cubicle, hence reducing the amount of 'neighbours' you have. Try to ensure the cubicle next door is free also, ensuring the maximum possible privacy.
If these conditions aren't met I have qute often been known to 'abort mission' just as the cargobay doors were opening. Painful but sometimes necessary.

2) Prior to your ar.se touching the seat flush the chain in order to provide an accoustic distraction to your anal activities.
The sound & time it takes the cistern to fill up should be ample to mask farting etc.

3)Once the splashing has settled down, stuff a good measure of toilet paper in the pan for a soft landing (say enough to wrap your fist 3-4 times).
You can then roost down to have a pony in relative comfort & ease.

4) Finally: Do NOT, under any circumstances endeavour to leave the cubicle until the room is free of errant colleagues.
This may take upwards of 10 minutes but again discretion is paramount in order to ensure a successful mission.
The cardinal sin is making eye contact with the CEO in a room that stinks of fetid turds. Careers have been made or broken on this rule...

Follow this guideline & you should have a troublefree sh!t.
 
Last edited:
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
364
The Ben Elton stand-up regading this was one of the funniest ones ever.

The other bad scenario in work toilets is going in there for wizz and discovering a really bad smell. If someone walks in after you have come out of the cubicle and are washing your hands, they automatically think that you are responsible for it!!
 

Clarky_Blues

Manager
Joined
Nov 14, 2003
Messages
1,160
Location
Stockport
We once had a phantom pooer here in the office. You would expect it to be a male but no a female! Laid the log on the seat for all to see!
 
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
364
We once had a phantom pooer here in the office. You would expect it to be a male but no a female! Laid the log on the seat for all to see!

On the seat!!!.....now that is taking things to a whole new level

I have worked in an office where a couple of characters were consistantly leaving dead otters for all others to see
 

SUBBlue

Manager
Joined
Jul 14, 2004
Messages
1,834
I work for a bank at Canary Wharf & we had some colleagues visit us from the middle east.

The dirty bar stewards wouldn't wipe their bum on paper but used to wipe it with their hand & smear it on the tiles.

I'd like to see that c*ck Barry Scott get that off with Cilit Bang!
The cleaners were not impressed but the bluebottles loved it....
 

sufcintheprem

This is a modified caption
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
10,185
Location
Putney
I'm very unashamed now but I think the big difference is whether or not your cubicle is completely enclosed or whether you have that awkward 6 inch sound hole under the cubicle walls as well as an open top. If you can see someone's shoes, you might as well be in a cubicle with them and that's just not on.

I still have no idea what motivates **** burglars. If you can see a cubicle door is shut, there's probably someone in it...who shuts the door behind them in a cubicle?

The dirty bar stewards wouldn't wipe their bum on paper but used to wipe it with their hand & smear it on the tiles.

I'm not sure where I'd possibly have read this but I'm pretty sure they would have used their left hand to do it too. If you found it on the other side, they were probably immoral rather than just dirty.
 

Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,369
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
Did you get that idea from Ben Elton? He mentioned the practice in one of his stand-ups many years ago. "I'd rather die than let anyone hear my splash."

No actually, I'm not that savvy on Ben Elton's stand-up routines. It was just a little idea I had when I went for a crap at a 'social gathering' at my friend's house. The toilet was above the room where everyone was sitting and earlier in the evening we heard one of the other guests' **** take the dive through the ceiling. I'm surprised more people dont use this trick!

2) Prior to your ar.se touching the seat flush the chain in order to provide an accoustic distraction to your anal activities.
The sound & time it takes the cistern to fill up should be ample to mask farting etc.

3)Once the splashing has settled down, stuff a good measure of toilet paper in the pan for a soft landing (say enough to wrap your fist 3-4 times).
You can then roost down to have a pony in relative comfort & ease.

3) Indeed, it's a good trick!

2) I just conveniently cough loudly when I need to fart. Needs to be loud to cover the increase in volume when the fart is amplified by the inside of the pan.
 

Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,369
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
The toilet was above the room where everyone was sitting and earlier in the evening we heard one of the other guests' **** take the dive through the ceiling. I'm surprised more people dont use this trick!

Just to avoid any confusion, the poo didn't come through the ceiling. I mean we could hear, through the ceiling, the poo splashing.
 

Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,369
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
There are 4 basic rules I follow when dropping one at work.
I think of them as my 'Splinter Cell' rules as they require stealth & a measure of diversionary tactics in order to achieve the end goal.

1) Aim for the end cubicle, hence reducing the amount of 'neighbours' you have. Try to ensure the cubicle next door is free also, ensuring the maximum possible privacy.
If these conditions aren't met I have qute often been known to 'abort mission' just as the cargobay doors were opening. Painful but sometimes necessary.

2) Prior to your ar.se touching the seat flush the chain in order to provide an accoustic distraction to your anal activities.
The sound & time it takes the cistern to fill up should be ample to mask farting etc.

3)Once the splashing has settled down, stuff a good measure of toilet paper in the pan for a soft landing (say enough to wrap your fist 3-4 times).
You can then roost down to have a pony in relative comfort & ease.

4) Finally: Do NOT, under any circumstances endeavour to leave the cubicle until the room is free of errant colleagues.
This may take upwards of 10 minutes but again discretion is paramount in order to ensure a successful mission.
The cardinal sin is making eye contact with the CEO in a room that stinks of fetid turds. Careers have been made or broken on this rule...

Follow this guideline & you should have a troublefree sh!t.

Any tips on reducing or preventing backsplash? :whistling:
 

Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,369
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
A deflection off the porcelain is one way, but obviously requires the brush afterwards which in a public toilet is not a particularly enticing option

Yeah, there's a catch there, using the brush isn't nice. You could just be vindictive and leave a skiddie for the next person if it's in a public loo, you won't know them :)
 
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
364
Yeah, there's a catch there, using the brush isn't nice. You could just be vindictive and leave a skiddie for the next person if it's in a public loo, you won't know them :)

I suppose that would be an option, but I am alway of the view that I like to leave a toilet how I would like to find it, and there is nothing worse than discovering nasty surprises waiting for you.

I have actually used lots of toilet paper to remove offending skiddies before, rather than opt for the lottery of the condition of the toilet brush. I have seen some grim examples of some in the past, that still give me nightmares
 

Bexley Blue

My butt's for sitting, not for kissing⭐
Joined
Jan 19, 2007
Messages
5,369
Location
Bexleyheath, Greater London
I suppose that would be an option, but I am alway of the view that I like to leave a toilet how I would like to find it, and there is nothing worse than discovering nasty surprises waiting for you.

I have actually used lots of toilet paper to remove offending skiddies before, rather than opt for the lottery of the condition of the toilet brush. I have seen some grim examples of some in the past, that still give me nightmares

Fair point. The worse thing is blocking up with too much poo/too much toilet paper. That's a nightmarish experience, having to sort it out yourself.
 
Joined
Nov 9, 2007
Messages
364
Fair point. The worse thing is blocking up with too much poo/too much toilet paper. That's a nightmarish experience, having to sort it out yourself.

Agreed, there is nothing worse than having to ask somebody in the office if the company has a plunger anywhere. Trying to have go with this device is not a discreet operation, and its almost impossible to disguise the suction noise
 

sufcintheprem

This is a modified caption
Joined
Mar 26, 2004
Messages
10,185
Location
Putney
Just to avoid any confusion, the poo didn't come through the ceiling. I mean we could hear, through the ceiling, the poo splashing.

I have to admit I thought he had pooed through a ceiling when reading that. If that happened, I'm not sure whether my first reaction would be violent vomiting, a standing ovation or absolutely uncontrollable laughter. Perhaps all three.

Yeah, there's a catch there, using the brush isn't nice. You could just be vindictive and leave a skiddie for the next person if it's in a public loo, you won't know them

For some reason, I've always called this a Chinese poo but I have literally no idea why or where I might have got this from. Can anyone out there actually validate this? I'm not saying it's going to stop me using the phrase (same goes for phantom menace, angel, etc) but it would be useful to avoid certain social faux pas.
 

Winkle

Manager
Joined
Apr 11, 2005
Messages
1,300
I walked into a cubicle the other day and there staring at me was a "pooh cobra" It was sticking about 2 cm above the toilet rim and I nearly retched. On reflection I did feel sorry for whoever laid it as he must have been walking around with the sawrest ring piece nown to man!
 
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